I'm once again unemployed and bored, so I decided to expand on the humorous novel summaries introduced in another thread a few months back (I forget which). I started with the end of DS9 and covered most of the stories relevant to the ongoing narrative. Everything's behind spoiler tags, because many of them do kind of give away important plot points... Spoiler: A Stitch In Time In which Garak pens an elaborate fan fiction and posts it on the internet, reveals his life story, or some combination of the two. Having satisfied his urge to confuse people, he goes back to planting flowers. Spoiler: The Left Hand of Destiny In which Martok studies human culture in hopes of kicking off his reign with a real epic. He confuses King Arthur with Star Wars, and re-enacts the Battle of Hoth and the Battle of Camlann at the same time. Spoiler: Diplomatic Implausibility In which Worf gets roped into saving the polar bears, but can’t really be bothered. He crowns a whiny engineer “Emperor of the Polar Bears” and calls it a day. Spoiler: Avatar, books one and two In which several Jem’Hadar refuse to admit it’s over and plough on regardless, while the Deep Space Nine series essentially does the same thing. Kira is kicked out of the Bajoran religion for praying in church. Spoiler: Abyss In which Bashir finally meets a real Bond Villain - one who wants to re-enact the plot of Moonraker, for reasons known only to himself. Ro recruits monkey cannon fodder to help bring him down, while Vaughn reveals he stole a holoship from Insurrection, continuing his attempt to tie himself to any and all events in Star Trek history. Spoiler: Demons of Air and Darkness In which many things happen, some, if not most of them, relating not at all to Taran’atar fighting Hirogen. Spoiler: The Brave and the Bold In which every Star Trek crew and their supporting casts are almost outwitted by a box. Spoiler: Twilight In which Shar runs away to sea to escape disappointed family members, and Vaughn decides to do the same - only to then remember that his daughter’s already assigned to the same ship. Vaughn dumps Prynn and Shar on a desolate world out of general spite, but has to go and retrieve them when the plot punishes him with a flashback montage; this being Vaughn, it covers practically every event since 2280. Spoiler: This Gray Spirit In which Vaughn tries to leave Shar behind again, this time with Dax, but once more has to go back for them when Dax starts a revolutionary war after speaking out at the dinner table. In the alpha quadrant, Cardassia cleans out its attic and tries to foist what it finds on the Bajorans; fortunately, the Bajorans mistake it for sensitive diplomacy. Spoiler: A Good Day To Die In which the Klingons kick off their own series by playing “capture the flag” and building dainty sailboats. Through the rigours of the tiddlywink competition, they teach us the true test of the warrior. Spoiler: Cathedral In which Julian Bashir visits a space-cathedral and loses his medical competence behind the pew cushions. Ezri loses Dax, while Nog finds a spare leg. The local priests help return the missing items but confiscate the leg. Meanwhile, tragedy strikes when the Trill delegation finds an unguarded weapons locker and begin playing with the contents. Later claims that the First Minister was actually an alien monster impress no-one. Spoiler: Lesser Evil In which Vaughn finally tracks down his wife and kills her. Back on Deep Space Nine, the crew realize that TNG season one has infiltrated the station, and declare quarantine. Spoiler: Honor Bound In which Klag, on a mission to conquer new worlds, decides to impede efforts to conquer a new world. For the honour of the Klingon Empire, he fights the Klingon Empire and banishes it from the planet forever. The treacherous natives then backstab him and willingly join the empire, fulfilling his original mission. Martok, mistaking this for an elaborate farce, applauds all involved. Spoiler: Rising Son In which Jake Sisko finds the courage to claw his way back to relevance, and becomes a pirate. He plunders several lost treasures, but to his frustration all of them natter on beatifically about the Prophets. Resigned to his status as a pawn, he goes home. Spoiler: Unity In which Sisko tricks the Prophets into opening the back door to let in some air, then makes a run for it. The Prophets can’t chase after him because as soon as the door’s open Kira releases insectoid vermin into the Temple, forcing them to deal with the infestation. The plan works perfectly. Spoiler: Enemy Territory In which the Klingons send shockwaves through xenosociological circles by discovering a race with a political system even more frinxed up than theirs. Being Klingons, they celebrate by destroying it. Spoiler: Worlds of DS9 1 In which Vedek Yevir befriends a suicide bomber. The Andorians up the stakes by abducting their own Councillor. Spoiler: Worlds of DS9 2 In which the Trills realize symbionts are yucky and get rid of them, then remember that this reduces them to simply being spotted humans, so they save the last few and look sheepish. Meanwhile, Jake makes another attempt at self-determination and swiftly acquires a wife. To his annoyance, this gets overshadowed by characters from The Storyteller. Spoiler: A Burning House In which B’Oraq pushes for healthcare reform, by suggesting they implement some form of healthcare. Martok, upon hearing that the previous regime spent the medical budget on booze and cockfighting, decides she might be onto something. Meanwhile, Toq commits the cardinal mistake of all protagonists and goes home, thus dooming anyone still living there to a horrible death. Wol and the Fifteenth visit a farm so Goran can sow some oats. Spoiler: Worlds of DS9 3 In which the Ferengi buy the plot from the Cardassia story, add their own modifications, and sell it back for substantial profit, thus proving their business acumen. Meanwhile, the Founders teach Odo a lesson by rejecting the Link themselves while leaving him on the homeworld to fret. Spoiler: Warpath In which Taran’atar, having suffered a breakdown in the last book, makes a break for it before the series does anything else to him. The plot is cunning, though, and has Prynn dragged along with him, meaning suffering for her and Vaughn as well. Eager to expand on the pain, the novel brings the Mirror Universe into play. Spoiler: Fearful Symmetry In which, contrary to Niner expectations, the phenomenon of “Kira overdose” is shown to be plausible. Iliana Ghemor decides she’s the rightful Kira Nerys, because being the only one who’s actually Iliana Ghemor is the perfect criterion for judging which of you is Kira. Spoiler: The Soul Key In which Iliana Ghemor comes to her senses and realizes that, actually, she’s the fabled leader of a militant religious cult on the other side of the galaxy, NOT Kira Nerys. Spoiler: The Never-Ending Sacrifice In which Cardassia plays kotra with itself, and loses. On the other hand, Rugal eventually decides Cardassia is "okay at times". The Laws of Narrative consider this for a bit, then decide it’s good enough for them and destroy Cardassia for maximum angst. Spoiler: The SCE series Insects on abandoned ships / Sabotaged computer chips / Crashing friends from up above / From interphasic space with love / Gomez fought a monster shii / People at an outpost die / Farmers fight a basket case / Who let monkeys into space? / Artists play computer games / Some old friends are not the same / Landru is a communist / Real Evora hissy-fit / More eugenics, guilty-free / Scotty teaches history / Giant holographic ship / war is full of death and shit / DAVID MACK WILL KILL US ALL / Corsi learns to cry and bawl / Carol does the astral dance / Pillbugs Vs walking plants / lots of family and friends / (what, you mean that’s not the end?) / Baubles will destroy the earth / Venus tries out childbirth / Big-ears muck about in time / This here train has jumped the line / Black hole diving, snakes alive / There’s a ring around the sky / Otter men on Noah’s Ark / Mass destruction’s not a lark / Failed probes that go to war / (what’s that, readers, you want more?)/ Ships that run on nought but luck / Risa going arse-side up / Gorn that stand the test of time / (Stopping now would be a crime!) / Portlyn tries to close the deal / Strata on a spinning wheel! / Jewish-Klingon wedding rocks! / There’s a planet in a box! / Crazy Vorta are the worst / Now another universe! / Gomez nuts as squirrel poo / Crazy Vorta number two! / Corsi dates a murderer / Lense brings something back with her / Irishmen and clones as twins / Pacifistic beaver-things / Gender-shifting aliens / Miradorn are frying brains / Gold goes jumping down a mine / Scotty stories get in line / How to crack the wartime codes / (Further stories? We’ve got loads!) / Vanguard coming online soon / Bynars find a crazy room / Gomez ponders her career / Turn the series on its ear / Now we’re up to Deep Space Ten? / Borg, you’re crashing ships again / Portlyn doesn’t play it fair / Cities flying through the air / Relatives come back or die / Memories of times gone by / Pretty sure that’s all of them? / Never speak of this again. Spoiler: Vulcan's Soul Trilogy In which Spock realises that every time he makes progress on reunification, the writers send him another Vulcanoid offshoot to deal with. Now up to four, he decides he’s had enough and tries to get to the bottom of things by consulting history. Discovering that the same guy broke the Vulcanoid race into smaller and smaller chunks every time he or his family did something, Spock curses the man and banishes his katra to the desert wastes. Spoiler: Homecoming and The Farther Shore In which any Voyager crewman with a genuine claim to character development is thrown in prison for the presumption. B’Elanna, fearing she might be next, runs away and compounds the error by committing matricide. Janeway, knowing Kim and Chakotay are fine, enlists their aid in an epic struggle to enforce a status quo despite everything. Spoiler: Spirit Walk, books one and two In which Chakotay’s imaginary friend comes to life and beats the frinx out of Odo’s crippled cousin. Spoiler: A Time to Be Born and A Time to Die In which the Travellers haze Wesley by making him think everyone’s going to die and telling him if he helps they’ll throw him out. Presumably they all laugh heartedly as he desperately tries to cope by making Christmas Carol references and stalking Admiral Nechayev. Feather boas join the Federation only to go out of style again. Spoiler: A Time to Sow and A Time to Harvest In which Enterprise receives an old TV broadcast by an honest-looking fellow and heads out to see his low, low prices, only to find that the planet which made the broadcast exploded centuries ago and it’s just some asteroids now. There are plans for a revival, but corporate sabotage from a rival company threatens to undermine this. Picard protects his new investment by bringing down the rival corporation. Spoiler: A Time to Love and A Time to Hate In which Riker’s dad reminds people of The Icarus Factor, and global riots commence. Beverly Crusher gets them all addicted to her home-brewed vapours and patents it as a cure, making millions. Spoiler: A Time to Kill and A Time to Heal In which David Mack pulled a "Teatime from Discworld" and went all metaphysical in his bloodlust, knifing not people or planets but concepts such as the Federation's idealism and the integrity of the Presidential office. Spoiler: A Time for War, A Time for Peace In which Klingon terrorists wander in through the kitchen and decide to take over the Federation embassy. Worf realizes the embassy is attracting too much serious attention, so he makes Alexander the new ambassador. Elsewhere, Bacco wins the election by virtue of being the author’s grandmother. Spoiler: Death In Winter In which Picard risks the lives of Stargazer crewmen to rescue an Enterprise crewman, thus proving who’s more important. Meanwhile, Sela, having previously been reassigned to Space-Antarctica, returns to the story when Space-Antarctic plague breaks out. Dr. Greyhorse is forgiven for murder, so Picard is finally free to fully trust doctors again, and moves in with Beverly Crusher. Spoiler: Titan: Taking Wing In which Riker and Troi get a dinosaur and let it loose on their new ship. Also, Romulus is saved from disaster, meaning all who live upon it can now enjoy long and meaningful lives without fear of catastrophe. Spoiler: Titan: The Red King In which Titan heads down the rabbit hole to retrieve Earth’s stolen property. Holy Vangar’ is successfully recaptured and the Neyel threat is eliminated. Medals are given all-round. Also, Akaar forgives Tuvok for saving his life, the bastard. Spoiler: Articles of the Federation In which we watch several episodes of President Bacco’s Fun-Time Variety Hour. Much threatening to beat people with podiums ensues. Also, Cort Enaran lampshades Godwins’ Law and the Federation butchers a baby Tzenkethi in revenge for the Tzenkethi War. While they’re distracted, Donatra steals half the Romulan Empire and refuses to give it back. These are wacky hours indeed! Spoiler: Resistance In which the Borg experiment with such advanced tactics as “moving your legs at a rate greater than once per minute” and “not letting enemy troops wander around unchallenged”. Picard decides to become Locutus again, because plot. Spoiler: Titan: Orion's Hounds In which Riker joins Greenpeace and tries to save the whales, but is told by the whalers that if you don’t kill whales, you won’t be able to convert them into killer submarines and kill sharks, and if you don’t kill sharks they’ll eat everyone who goes near the water, and then the resort business will be ruined. Riker suggests they ask the whales to help rather than turn them into submarines. The whalers sulk for a bit, then pretend they like the idea. Spoiler: Q and A In which Picard and Worf pull the plug on the universe and desperately try to put it back in again. Rather than admit that they screwed up, they tell Admiral Janeway it was their imaginary friend Q, knowing that she believes in him too. This “Q” gets the blame and Picard’s career is saved. Spoiler: Titan: Sword of Damocles In which Titan spends a thousand years screwing with some bugs, using a big magnifying glass in the sky to periodically burn them. The most spiritual crewman tries to stop the slaughter by organizing a new bug regime under his guidance, but his colleague dumps him back in time. He pulls a Valen and organizes anyway. Spoiler: Before Dishonor In which the Borg eat Pluto and Starfleet admirals take bets on the end of the world, while Seven pilots a Planet Killer and Borg ships fly out of stars. This is actually not a joke. Also, Janeway dies. With her dies the peace of the Trek BBS and all hope for reason. Spoiler: Greater Than the Sum In which the Enterprise tries to chase down the Borg but instead gets lost in the Japanese theatre and then assaulted by digimon. Beverly wants a baby but Jean-Luc argues “if I agree there’ll be a trilogy of epic books in which the Borg threaten to destroy everything I hold dear. So I can’t”. But he gives in, and so everyone on Barolia dies. Also, Enterprise introduces an eldritch abomination to the concept of expansion and reproduction, and sets it loose on the galaxy. Spoiler: Destiny: Gods of Night In which Erika Hernandez skips the Romulan War by hiding with a cult of pacifist space elves, but gets in trouble when her crew double-flush the toilet and destroy space elf civilization. Many years later, the Borg come up through the piping and out of the toilet bowl, leading to an infestation. Spoiler: Destiny: Mere Mortals In which Erika Hernandez converts to the Space Elf Cult and tries to convert the Titan crew too. Troi’s dinosaur, unable to handle the mandatory vegetarianism, tries to eat Troi within days. Hernandez has a crisis of faith and locks herself in the bathroom, while Picard has a far more general crisis and starts channelling Marvin the Paranoid Android. Spoiler: Destiny: Lost Souls In which the Borg read their copy of Star Trek Star Charts and then decide a second edition is required. Much Desolation of Deneva, Ruination of Risa, and Conflagration of Coridan ensues. Hernandez crowns herself queen and initiates Instrumentality, the Borg get hugged and turn to Tang. The galaxy is saved, and readers start searching the floor for their jaws. Spoiler: A Singular Destiny In which a country musician wanders in out of the rain and sits in with the President’s staff for a bit, then offers to go talk to the Romulans. Thinking he’s one of their diplomats, the President agrees. All of the second-rate aliens get bored of being underused and so join the Romulans in forming a new club that’s better than the stupid old Federation. Tezrene, master manipulator that she is, manages to make a Zaldan act rudely. Bacco gets mad, but Tezrene says, “LOL. Plausible Deniability”, and then scuttles off sniggering. The musician goes back to work happy. Spoiler: Losing the Peace In which the Federation, aghast at these dirty refugees trailing mud over the carpet and asking if please may they have some more, banishes them all to the beach. This backfires when concerned politicians realize their personal sunning spots are getting dangerously overcrowded, and appeal for aid. The Federation quickly declares that the poor are people too, and the governor’s beach is saved. Spoiler: Full Circle In which Voyager is banished back to the Delta Quadrant after Chakotay goes nuts and screams shrilly at people. B’Elanna refuses to go and so fakes her own death to get out of it. Dr. House joins the crew instead. Spoiler: Titan: Over A Torrent Sea In which Lavena considers kidnapping the captain and going to live with him under the sea, but can’t when Titan collapses the ecosystem. Tormenting bugs grew boring, so now they’re after the whales. Meanwhile, the dinosaur joke starts getting old when the creature gets loose and rampages through a hospital, dragging Troi along with it.
Spoiler: Unworthy In which Barclay unleashes evil as part of a plan to get the Doctor a girlfriend. Also, Voyager crashes a Borg fan convention and has to break the news that the show has been cancelled. Spoiler: Titan: Synthesis In which Titan attempts to assert its independence and individuality, and show that starships are people too. Fortunately, it is lobotomized and returned to service, where it belongs. Spoiler: Rise Like Lions In which the Federation finally shows up in the Mirror Universe, looking very tatty but clearly trying its hardest. Pretending it’s perfectly on time and ignoring the wreckage around it, it bravely decides to bring some goodness to the MU. This becomes confusing when its founder is, by his own posthumous request, officially named the Big Bad Spock. Spoiler: Children of the Storm In which the Federation, remembering that they were never again to visit the old quarry, decides to visit the old quarry. The ghosts that live there steal their weed. After much experimenting with it and a few days tripping, they decide the Federation is more than welcome. The Federation sets up a permanent supply at the quarry, making everyone happy. Spoiler: DTI: Watching the Clock In which a group of very dull people try their best to be as mundane and boring as humanely possible, but keep coming up against the problem that they’re in a good book. Irritated by this, they crash history in an attempt to derail the plot. This leads to Braga characters, and, humbled by their folly, the leads restore the timeline. Spoiler: Zero Sum Game In which Bashir and his ex crash a train on the underground and wreck some guy’s shipyard while wearing masks. Spoiler: Rough Beasts of Empire In which the Tzenkethi plot to bring peace and stability to the galaxy, by being arseholes. Gell Kamemor returns and the Romulans, realizing that she’s reasonable and sane, stick her in the Praetor’s seat to see what happens. Also, Sisko reasons that anyone who comes near him will suffer, so he deletes all his facebook friends and rejoins the Navy. Spoiler: Seize the Fire In which mammals and reptiles come together in a great and glorious future, and the circle of life is ruined. Fortunately, they’ve found a dead god that lets them reboot it. The reptiles turn this god against some amphibians, because it was feared they’d side with the mammals. Soft is soft, eh? Spoiler: Paths of Disharmony In which the ghost of Diego Reyes rises from the tomb and wreaks havoc. The Andorians announce that they’re leaving the board forever and scrawl DELETE ME all over the Federation Council chamber. Spoiler: The Struggle Within In which the Typhon Pact starts interfering with itself and with anyone else it can find, because it’s Monday and they’re bored. The Kinshaya decide to try some non-violent protest, so the Breen go all British on their behinds and be-Brigadier the hell out of ‘em. Meanwhile, the Talarian leaders begrudgingly accept that some of the budget needs to go to rebuilding the school house and not the shiny new death cannon they wanted. The Tzenkethi show up and remind everyone they’re still arseholes. Spoiler: Titan: "Fallen Gods" In which the Ship of Death is particularly dickish and picks on a race who are nearly dead anyway. Meanwhile, fans of the Starfleet Academy comics are ecstatic to see Pava in a leading role. Unfortunately, things turn ugly as they begin fighting over her. Recalling the wisdom of Solomon, the crew decree that Pava shall be split in two, and everyone will have a Pava. Spoiler: Indistinguishable From Magic In which Scotty, his time drawing near, tries to poach as many engineers from the other series as possible in order to realize his dream: a ship run entirely on technobabble delivered in exaggerated accents from the British Isles. He also finds Kang’s granddaughter, and lets her drive while under the influence of Klingon-ness. Meanwhile, Bok has had a revelation; revenge won’t bring his son back...TIME TRAVEL HIJINKS will bring his son back! Geordi crashes his ship and kills Scotty. Not to be outdone, Sela crashes her ship too. Then she and Geordi laugh about that time she tortured him. Spoiler: DTI: Forgotten History In which, to their immense satisfaction, the DTI agents become dull enough that 90% of the book avoids them entirely. This leaves them plenty of time to deal with the paperwork stemming from the novel’s real events, in which Kirk begins, promotes, condemns, continues, sabotages and concludes the Federation’s time travel program, possibly all at the same time. Spoiler: Plagues of Night In which Kamemor behaves like that smiling, quietly desperate relative trying to get everyone at the family gathering to like each other. Sisko tries to see Rebecca without seeing Kasidy, which is generally awkward since they live at the same address. Finally, everyone who’s mad at the Federation tries to half-destroy Deep Space Nine at the same time, leading to its full destruction. Spoiler: Raise the Dawn In which the Romulan Praetor pushes for peace while the Federation President resists her, because they picked up each other’s scripts by mistake. Everyone squares off for a showdown, with Odo coming all the way from the Gamma Quadrant, before Kamemor and Kira spoil everyone’s fun. The Prophets leave in disgust, taking Kira with them as punishment. Now that they’ve actually abandoned him, Sisko decides to come home. The adventures continue...
LOL, I avoided the DS9 relaunch and SCE ones because I have yet to read them, but the Typhon Pact ones made my day! Sisko deleting all of his FB friends and joining the navy! Priceless!
These are fantastic, and since I still have to read a lost of these books I will be back to read the others in the future. Oh, and the summary for Before Dishonor is priceless!
I am crying here. The terrifying thing is, not a one of these is actually inaccurate in any way. Especially Before Dishonour! Also, The SCE poem is genius. .
Great stuff - and yes the SCE poem is spot on. Reading these, Deranged Nasat, I think you missed your calling.
Wonderful work, I agree that Before Dishonor has been revealed as the farce it always surely was meant to be!
Two more. I'm enjoying myself far too much here. Spoiler: The Eternal Tide In which Janeway throws her support behind the "Not Dead" contingent and decides to come back to work. She also threatens to unleash the apocalypse if the powers that be refuse her. Realizing the scales must be balanced, she proves she means business by making her own godson die in her place, along with the woman who dared replace her as top dog on Voyager. Chakotay wisely pledges himself to Janeway rather than stand in her way; as such, the One Who Is Not Dead gives him a position as her consort, rather than punishment. Spoiler: Brinkmanship In which the Tzenkethi decide they're tired of being arseholes and go make some friends. They proudly present these friends to the Federation, smug in the knowledge that Picard and Dax can't trust any of theirs. The Federation responds by sending the Tzenkethi a box with a crank on it; when the Tzenkethi turn the crank, Cardassians spring out and make them jump. Shaken, the Tzenkethi stop plotting and agree to call this one a draw.
Latest updates: The Cold Equations trilogy: Drama in the galactic computing industry! Spoiler: The Persistence of Memory In which Noonien Soong secretly replaces himself with a robot, and then hides for fear that he'll discover what he's up to. While in hiding, he decides to release a new model of Data, fully upgraded for modern LCARS and featuring an impressive array of optional extras. When the Breen threaten to mass-produce a cheaper version, Soong gets spiteful and blows up their factory. Realizing he's also blown his cover, he then replaces his robot-self with another robot, before he can cotton on. Data returns as his own creator, like some creepy changeling-Pinocchio. The reborn Data immediately announces that he plans to release Lal 2.0, making himself instantly obsolete. Everyone facepalms. Spoiler: Silent Weapons In which the Breen waste most of their time and money playing video games. This causes problems when they eventually realize that the lizardmen worth 200 points each are actually their allies. Pissed off, the Gorn Imperator releases cheat codes to the Federation, undermining the Breen's winning streak. Meanwhile, President Bacco faces political embarrassment when it's revealed that her best friend and closest supporter is actually a pre-programmed robot. Spoiler: The Body Electric In which Wesley tries to sabotage a major art project, claiming in a snotty fashion that "graffiti doesn't count as real art". Getting sniffy about this, the machine responsible tries to destroy the galaxy, and only relents when Wesley agrees to hire it.
The video game part of Silent Weapons is superb and the bit about The Body Electric is shorty, poignant and witty. Do these form more or less spontaneously in your mind, or do you have to sit down and carefully compose it? Which novels are next on your list?