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Old April 7 2014, 10:07 PM   #2692
darthvincor's Avatar
Kirk's bogus adventure

I just need to get this off my chest, it's been bugging me for ages.

I don't like what Abrams has done to Star Trek.

Abrams is a franchise slayer: first Star Trek, now on to Star Wars.
The man is a great treatment writer, but his creative works tend to implode after a while (Lost, Alias, Star Trek movies)

I fell asleep during Into Darkness, and only vaguely recall what happened, so I won't say anything about it.
Except that Spock, in no universe, even in a infinite amount of alternate universes, would ever yell 'Kaaaaaaaaaaahn!'.

But the first Abrams Star Trek. Holy cow.

That opening scene. Kirk's dad has to be a hero too. No one else could've rammed that ship into the other ship. No helmsman, no auto pilot.
And he just stays alive long enough to name the baby Jim. How dramatic. Crying and everything, in this overly constructed scene.
Message: heroism is genetic.

And then Jim is shown again. He's a kid now. He has stolen a car, and drives towards a cliff, only to yell in frustration when the cliff nears. Did he forget his car couldn't fly? Or was he hoping the earth would magically form a bridge over the canyon? Did he not know there was a canyon there? Was he seriously hoping to outrun the police?
Message: he's a rebel at early age already.
A second dimension has been added to the character. Awesome, we're a few minutes in, and 2 dimensions already.

And then Kirk is further explained and glorified. Encounters with women, cheating on tests.
But still only two dimensions. hmmm.

And then Spock has to be made 'upset'. Lets see, what would make Spock upset.... I know! His mother and his planet blow up. That ought to do it. Such subtle and nuanced writing.

Now for some more characters.
Chekov: Russian accent, done. No more depth needed.
Sulu: Gotta be a Sulu at the helm. Even though this is an alternate universe, with Vulcan gone(!) for example, all the same chaps end up on board.
Uhuru: wow, the character has been expanded. No longer is she just the switch board operator, she now is Spock's lover.
Scotty: He's still from Scotland. He has common sense, and is decent. Amazing how they found the time to add a few dimensions to this side character.
Bones: southern accent + southern gallantry, done.
Old Spock is there: alternate universe, same old Old Spock.
The characters need no further story or depth. It is a Kirk glorification, after all.

Kirk also never goes beyond 2 dimensions: Hero, rebel.

And then there is Nero. Another shallow and pointless star trek movie villain. So consumed with anger is he, that he learns to travel through time, and is intent on blowing up Vulcan, to get back at Spock. Who comes up with this nonsense? You have greatly wounded me, therefore, I will blow up your home planet. (fine, absorb into singularity)
And his name... Romulus, Remus, centurions and now Nero. How unimaginative. We should count ourselves lucky his family members Tiberius, Claudius and Augustus weren't there too.

In the end Kirk saves the day. He was after all a hero from birth on already.

And Kirk and his sidekicks go on to more adventures, in a 23rd century ship that has actual cooling pipes, transparent too, with water, and a release vent, just in case someone ends up in there. (a la Charlie and the Chocolate factory)

So totally cool, dude!
The mysterious plots, the subtle innuendoes, veiled threats, its all so...entertaining.
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