"Shields weakening/collapsing" is to establish why the ship gets a hole punched through it, but even if you cut those lines out the scene would still make sense.
Wouldn't it be SO much simpler and be even more dramatic to actually SHOW that the shields are weakening instead of TELLING it (yes, the old cinema staple).
WRATH OF KHAN did this superbly by actually showing the Reliant punching a hole in the shields with its phasers (then a literal hole in the Enterprise's hull), before cutting to a close-up of the bridge tactical screen with the ship's graph clearly showing shields distress (huge blinking sections).
That plus quick cuts showing overall chaos on the bridge, supported by sweeping dramatic music and running/panicking crewmembers everywhere while the main actors desperately try to save the day will pump the viewers' blood a hell of a lot more than having characters just saying random meaningless phrases.
Nemesis did do that as well. When they said the forward shields were down to xy percent, there was a shot of the ship getting hit, and in the aft section there was shielding, and in the forwards sections there were no shields but bigger explosions.