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Old January 12 2014, 04:04 AM   #12
Darkwing
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Re: Four Years War ST fan-fic

CeJay wrote: View Post
To be perfectly honest, I'm not the biggest fan of overly militaristic Star Trek interpretations. Having said that I though I'd give this a try and thought it was actually pretty decent work.
I appreciate the disclaimer. I grew up in the 70s and 80s, and never doubted Starfleet was the military of the Federation, but didn't enlist till the 90s, and wanted to show a bit more naval flavor, although I've toned it down from reality and modified some of it from the current form. Thanks for trying it and for the candor.

The militaristic jargon here is heavy but by introducing most of it through the eyes of recent cadets, you managed to explain most of it through the story itself.
That's what I was aiming for. I absorbed all this through boot camp; readers usually won't have that background, so I wanted it make sense from context with as little exposition as possible.

While I'm the last person to berate anyone on grammar on punctuation, you might want to give it another look on those merits as I found it quite jarring here. For example I'd ensure paragraphs always start in uppercase.
When you say uppercase, do you mean initial capitalization, or the first word or sentence in all-caps? I've seen both. I'll have to look to see where I missed initial caps.

Also while you started out writing this with clean breaks between paragraphs, you seem to have given up on that after a while. It makes it very hard to read and follow a story without these paragraph breaks when posting a story on this forum.
More editing blunders to fix. I tend to be pretty finicky on editing, and finally started making the story gel by forcing myself not to look at such things, and didn't get back to it before posting.

This is kind of a Hornblower thing, where I'm writing a story of Sheridan as a captain and his first ship at the same time, and will later fill in the intervening years. I'm writing him so that he starts out at a real old-school military command, and it stamps him, eventually interfering with his career, because the "Right Stuff" crowd - the folks who want to see Starfleet as a super-NASA-on-steroids and not as a military at all - will not see him as one of them.

I'm using a lot of FASA & Spaceflight Chronology as background, and certain novels - all the Rihannsu novels, the Final Reflection, the Entropy Effect, Dreadnought, the Captain's Honor (all Kzin references replaced with the M'Dok), some other material. As far as I am concerned the future seen in Next Generation is still only a possible future, so I have to think about when Betazoids, Trill, Bajorans, and Cardassians might appear, but don't have to assume that things will necessarily unfold the same way.

Thanks for your time; Any other criticisms to add?
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