Yes, I think a rewrite would have helped greatly.
I agree with those that said her senility should have been more closely.
The whole time travel element throws the episode off.
They should keep the whole fury aspect of the story as an example of someone who is loosing their mind, it is a form of dymentia after all.
I think it would have been a great story that's never really be touched upon in sci-fi, how do you care for someone with Kes' mental abilities once they do get old and forgetful? I think the ending should have been the same, too save Kes they would have to send her back to Ocampia.