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Old November 15 2013, 12:49 AM   #104
Robert Maxwell
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Re: Angst-Ridden Dating Rant #17

Kommander wrote: View Post
Robert Maxwell wrote: View Post
Your example aside, I'm not convinced that these guys pretend to not notice you. It is possible that they actually don't notice you. The guy you started this thread about, for instance, probably has no idea you exist, but it was all about him asserting his dominance in the face of a potential rival.
I've noticed that trying to get back together with a recent ex is often indicative of possessiveness. There are other reasons for it, but it is a big one. I thought it was possibly aimed at me mostly on instinct. He seems like the type that reads everything she posts, including all the flirty comments I've left and, as far as I know, no one else is leaving flirty comments on her stuff. This is far from conclusive evidence, but seems to be enough to be suspicious.
Yes, but again: this is not your problem to solve. It only involves you if and when you are in a relationship with this woman and it is affecting that relationship somehow. Unless and until that happens, there is little point wasting brainpower on it.

As for other times, I'm basing it on how many times men have blatantly made a point of ignoring me or subtly confronting me. When I'm talking to someone in person and sitting or standing reasonably close, and then another person moves between us and then positions them self with their back toward me, and then later claims they didn't see me or doesn't acknowledge me at all, it's pretty clear what they were doing. It's pretty easy to notice when someone is talking to someone else that is standing less than two feet away, especially when that person steps between them. As far as online, a few years ago a girl I was involved with posted a picture on MySpace or Facebook or something, and I commented that her eyes looked particularly vibrant. The next comment was from another guy that was interested in her that said: "Nice pic. I hate to be so crass as to compliment your eyes, but they're very pretty." This kind of thing.
I'm seeing two possibilities here:

1. Something about you causes this reaction, and perhaps you should figure out what it is and change it.
2. This isn't really happening the way you think it is, in which case something is flawed in your thinking.

I agree completely. I try to be optimistic about the future while being mindful of the past. Occasionally I'm a little too mindful of the past, but things usually turn out okay if I catch myself doing it before making too much of an ass out of myself.
Given the way you've described your love life in this thread, I am not sure what sort of measure you are using for "turn out okay."

Robert Maxwell wrote: View Post
It's possible you jumped to conclusions based on basically nothing.
Basically nothing isn't the same as absolutely nothing, but I see your point. I think part of why I started this thread is because I don't trust my own judgment and needed to be told this.
I agree that your judgment needs work. Bouncing it off of people here is fine, but if that's what you're after, don't get so defensive when people respond!

Robert Maxwell wrote: View Post
Yes, you have options. You can talk to her about it. She is the one you're (hypothetically) in a relationship with, not him. As long as you are reasonable, not controlling or manipulative, and you express that this person is interfering with your relationship, she should be willing to do something about it--either talking to the guy or telling him to get out of her life. That doesn't mean it will work. It obviously depends on the behavior of other people and their willingness to alter it. I would say that if she is unwilling or unable to put a stop to this guy's antics, then yes, it is probably a good idea to walk away.
I have a tendency to believe that, when things don't go the way I'd like, that I am completely responsible; that any conflict or unfortunate circumstances involving me happened because I fucked up somehow. There's a lot to why I have this outlook, but simply put: I was raised Catholic. Logically I realize I'm not responsible for everything, but realizing it emotionally is different and much more difficult. This probably has a lot to do with why I reacted badly to the hostile posts.
Okay, but here again you are giving us reasons why you act the way you do. Are they there for us to excuse your behavior and attitude, or are they there so you can justify it to yourself? You seem to have acknowledged that you need to change. How are you going to do it?

Robert Maxwell wrote: View Post
I think the problem for most of us here has been that you're already trying to figure out how to deal with him when you haven't even asked this girl out. You're not just putting the cart before the horse, you're putting it on another planet.
Yes, but I do not think this is a bad thing. I contemplate worst-case scenarios about pretty much everything. When I leave for school in the morning I think about getting into car accidents or getting mugged, sitting in class I think about another student pulling out a gun and shooting people. If I get pulled over for speeding on my way home I think about the cop planting drugs on me and then demanding a bribe to let me go. Why do I do this? On the rare occasion that something bad does happen, I'm better prepared for it and I tend not to panic. Some of you may remember a thread I made a few years ago in which I witnessed a motorcycle accident, I stopped, and took control of the situation until the police and paramedics arrived. I was able to do that because I idly think about things like that. Everyone else was panicking, whereas I had a basic plan ready to go. Because I worry about not being prepared and try to account of it, there have only been two or three times in my life when I've been in situations where I panicked, and even then it was pretty mild.
Preparedness is not a bad thing, but the extent to which you obsess over it is. It is entirely possible to be prepared for various emergency situations without fretting about them constantly. I also think it's a bit silly to compare emergency situations like car accidents to how you approach a woman about her ex. There's an order of magnitude (or two) between those scenarios, yet you're spending a lot of time and energy on the less important one.

Do you go to therapy or anything? I'm not asking as a joke. Your attitude sounds quite obsessive/compulsive and it may benefit from professional attention. It's at least worth investigating, if you haven't already. I am not a psychiatrist, after all.

ETA: Also, listen to what teacake said and stop thinking of this as a game in which you have to "beat" another guy to "win" the girl. It's skeevy.
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