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Old November 14 2013, 03:11 PM   #94
Robert Maxwell
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Re: Angst-Ridden Dating Rant #17

Kommander wrote: View Post
Melakon wrote: View Post
The problem I had with the original post was all the Odin stuff made you sound like a lunatic, and then having to sift through all that to find what you really wanted to talk about.
I put that in there mainly because it was completely absurd, I was trying to make the point "my tone isn't completely serious here." But yeah, batshit insanity seems like a logical option as well.

Melakon wrote: View Post
Your description of the situation with the boyfriend made it sound as if you were the jealous and possessive one, not him, because of how you interpreted a photograph. You were even wondering if you should tell the guy to back off, when you hadn't even made a first move toward dating the girl. If the guy had posted the photograph with a caption like "Back off, Kommander," you might have reason to think the picture was meant for you personally, but it sounds more like you're reading more things into it than there really was.
JarodRussell wrote: View Post
Indeed. The issue is that you actually come of as jealous and possessive. The other guy probably doesn't even know or care you exist.
Scout101 wrote: View Post
Looking back at the OP, I can kind of see why I came across this way. The main reason I thought maybe it was aimed at me is that, in the past, many guys have made a point of pretending that they don't know or care that I exist, and often try to provoke me with this.
Your example aside, I'm not convinced that these guys pretend to not notice you. It is possible that they actually don't notice you. The guy you started this thread about, for instance, probably has no idea you exist, but it was all about him asserting his dominance in the face of a potential rival.

An example: Six or seven years ago, I was sitting in a Starbucks with a girl I had had a crush on in high school. She had tracked me down hoping I was still interested in her, which I thought was awesome. About half an hour after we had arrived, this other guy that was interested in her shows up. He moves a chair over and places it with the back toward me, which was really awkward because of how close to her I was sitting. After a few minutes she points out that she's on a date and would prefer to talk to this guy later. He turns around briefly, says "oh, sorry, I didn't see you there." He turns back to her and asks "is this that gay friend you were telling me about?" He then suggests that her and I say goodbye while he gets a coffee and then that her and him should sit and talk more. She suggests that they meet on another day, he gives up and leaves.

I mostly found him to be a minor irritation, but he was clearly trying to provoke me. Questioning my sexuality is pretty high on my list of "things I don't give a shit about," but that isn't true of a lot of men. After he left I commented "well, that was odd." and got on with my evening. I called her two or three days later to set up another date, and she was with this guy at the time. After finding out it was me on the phone, I distinctly heard him say "hang up or I'm going to kill that motherfucker." So, I said I'd call her back later. After I got off the phone I was thinking this guy definitely made an ass out of himself, and he'd go away shortly if I ignored him. What happened instead is that they were together for three years and had a kid together. At the time I was thinking I screwed up somehow, but now I realize that she screwed up by not telling that guy to fuck off.
Yes, exactly. You should have figured that out the moment he made those remarks in front of you. A woman who would put up with that shit is not one I'd want to be with.

As for the current situation, if the ex noticed all the flirtatious comments I was making and felt threatened, he probably wouldn't confront me directly. He'd probably do what they guy in the above example and several others have done; make a point of ignoring me at first and subtly trying to provoke me, and when that doesn't work, confront me directly later.
Again, though, you jumped to conclusions based on your past (admittedly pretty bad) experiences. Every experience is different--you can't connect those dots and assume "this guy is out to get me" based on a single photo.

If this is what that guy was doing, it seemed likely he'd become a bigger problem later. At the time, I did not feel a need to confront him. If he became a bigger problem, that might change. What I've tried in the past, ignoring it and hoping the guy will give up, doesn't work very well. So what other options are there? Being an even bigger ass hole seems like a worse option. Walking away from the situation is usually the best option, but it usually not the option I want to take. Dating women that don't attract these kinds of men seems like it should be an option, but I won't know that for sure until I actually date someone that doesn't attract these kinds of men.
Right. Well, it's become clear that you now have a tendency to overreact to the behavior of other men because of bad experiences you had in the past. That's understandable, but I think you should go into each new (potential) relationship with fresh eyes. That doesn't mean you should ignore what you've learned in the past, but don't be so quick to draw conclusions on next to no information just because it's slightly reminiscent of something that happened to you before. Something blatant, like a guy trying to insult your sexuality in front of a woman you're interested in? Sure, that is something to make note of. A guy you don't even know mugging for the camera at an event you didn't go to? That shouldn't even be on the radar, dude.

As for the current situation, it was probably something else. He hasn't done anything else, and he hasn't come up in conversation. It's possible that they parted kind of suddenly, he just wanted closure, and he posted the pictures to show everyone that they parted on good terms.
It's possible you jumped to conclusions based on basically nothing.

Ok, purely hypothetical: Lets say things start getting romantic between this woman and I, and the ex decides to start being a dick. Or it's a different woman and a different ex, and whatever woman it is decides to tolerate this behavior. Do I have other options aside from ignoring it or walking away? Saying something like "if this guy's behavior continues, I'm going to have to stop seeing you" seems like a viable option, but I hate issuing ultimatums.
Yes, you have options. You can talk to her about it. She is the one you're (hypothetically) in a relationship with, not him. As long as you are reasonable, not controlling or manipulative, and you express that this person is interfering with your relationship, she should be willing to do something about it--either talking to the guy or telling him to get out of her life.

That doesn't mean it will work. It obviously depends on the behavior of other people and their willingness to alter it. I would say that if she is unwilling or unable to put a stop to this guy's antics, then yes, it is probably a good idea to walk away.

I think the problem for most of us here has been that you're already trying to figure out how to deal with him when you haven't even asked this girl out. You're not just putting the cart before the horse, you're putting it on another planet.
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