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Old November 8 2013, 04:48 PM   #63
Location: Detroit
Re: Angst-Ridden Dating Rant #17

mickmike wrote: View Post
I don't think people are saying that you are egotistical for not taking their advice. I think people are saying that you are egotistical and displaying a high degree of narcisissm for thinking that a guy who you don't know and who doesn't know you and may not be actually concerned with your existence if he does, is trying to prevent you from going out with his ex girlfriend. Who, by the way you haven't asked out yet.
The guy has not done anything wrong and has not demonstrated himself to be a problem. However, what I have observed gives some indication that he may become one. Whether or not this particular guy is this particular way I have no way of determining at this point. As for my life in general, it's something I've dealt with before, somewhat poorly, and it is most likely something I will have to deal with again, and I'd like to be better at it. If this particular guy is not going to act on jealous, possessive urges, it won't be a problem. If he is, then I would like to be equipped to deal with the situation.

mickmike wrote: View Post
You have based this on a series of photos posted on facebook. In these photo's you have inferred from this guy's body language or something that he is possessive, potentially violent, and for some reason threatened by you.
I have inferred that these things are possible, not that they are likely to be true or assume them to be true.

mickmike wrote: View Post
The issue doesn't have any basis in fact, it's a fiction you have concoted in your mind.
This is completely true and I've never said otherwise.

mickmike wrote: View Post
I think quite a few people have provided solid advice regarding how to respond to this situation despite there not actually being a situation, but you've rejected that advice.
People have distorted what I've said, exaggerated speculation into certainty, ignored any sense of context, and have told me that the way I have expressed myself in this thread is probably not how I should act all the time. There was never any possibility of that happening. They then when on to insist that, because I decided that what they said wasn't applicable, they insisted that the OP is an all-encompassing example of my complete persona and I'm therefore wrong about everything. If I actually acted the way people are insisting that I do, I would be in complete agreement.

mickmike wrote: View Post
I'm not sure what you want from the rest of us?
Really? I've specifically stated it several times. Of course, the parts that make me seem like a dipshit stand out the most.

Robert Maxwell wrote: View Post
Although I see the point you are trying to make, the threesome example is terrible. It's like a straight man saying, "I had sex with a guy once, it was awful." Number one, it's absurdly reductive (turning a complex identity into a single sexual event), and secondly, it's someone commenting on an identity they don't share. It'd be like me pontificating on what it's like to be a lesbian, as if I have any Earthly idea beyond the accounts of friends and strangers. What you're talking about has nothing to do with experience.
Yes, exactly. It was an extreme example meant to illustrate my point. It is experience, but it doesn't really apply to anything.

Robert Maxwell wrote: View Post
You seem to be assuming no one here has experience because they haven't spelled it out for you, otherwise you are invalidating their experiences because they don't paint the picture you want.
If the experience isn't quantified and qualified, I have no way of knowing if its applicable.

A good example is the people saying "just ask her out already." I can probably quantify this for myself. Most people hesitate because they're afraid of rejection, and then later regret that hesitation because they may have missed out on something. That's not why I'm doing it, and their experience doesn't apply.

Robert Maxwell wrote: View Post
Reading through this thread, you talked about being poly a few times, but being poly seems to have no bearing on what's going on here.
it doesn't.

Robert Maxwell wrote: View Post
As far as I can tell, you aren't involved with anyone right now, and your issues with the girl in question don't revolve around non-monogamy but the role of her ex in her life. I'm sure others here have been in that situation. Even I have, myself.
The issues involve past experiences. There are no issues with this particular girl, only the vague possibility of potential issues.

Robert Maxwell wrote: View Post
You seem to be aware that your jealous overreactions are unwarranted, especially since you aren't even dating this woman.
My jealous overreactions are directed at this kind of thing in general. It was more of a "if this were to happen, then I would feel jealousy" kind of thing. It has not happened, so I have not. My posts have reflected thinking, not believing or doing.

Robert Maxwell wrote: View Post
From what I read in your last post, it sounds like you want to get to the bottom of his behavior. Ultimately, that is not your problem nor your responsibility.
Only insofar as understanding the behavior so I can deal with it effectively.

Robert Maxwell wrote: View Post
If you want to make a go of it with the woman you like, do it. If her ex interferes, you have a few options:

1. Ask her to talk to him and tell him to back off and leave you alone.
2. Deal with the fact that this person is part of her life and you have to figure out how to navigate that.
3. Don't be with her anymore.
Yes, exactly. This thread was meant to be about exploring option #2 if #1 fails and I don't really like option #3. Instead it became about how I should already have this figured out and, because I don't, I'm a big dumb ass.

Robert Maxwell wrote: View Post
Which one is not an option? "Sit down with the guy and have a little chat." If you are at the point where he is actively interfering in your relationship, the last thing that's going to help is you having a talk about it with him. Either he's trying to break you up, in which case talking to him plays right into his hands--it gives him an opening to attack you directly--or you are totally imagining what's going on, in which case he's going to think you're insane and probably tell her you're insane and it's not going to work out well for anyone. Maybe it would be an option at some point in the future, if things are going well with her and he is still having issues with his new role in her life. Both of you could talk to him and find a way to be friends. But right now? No.
None of this applies to right now. He's not a problem right now. I'm trying to prepare for it when it does happen again, either with this situation or others.

Robert Maxwell wrote: View Post
Although there are situations where exes and new love interests can get along with each other, rarely does it work when it begins so adversarially. It requires everyone in the situation to be mature adults. So far, I'm not sure about the woman (don't know enough about her), but you and the ex (from what you've said of him) both fail that metric.
When I attacked him, I made him the embodiment of my past experiences, I wasn't really attacking him. if I accused him of doing the things I thought he did, that would be different. I was thinking out loud, not actually confronting him or accepting my thoughts as facts. He has done little, if anything. If everything had actually happened, we'd have both failed.

Robert Maxwell wrote: View Post
You must also be aware that starting a thread to discuss these issues while using such dramatic, over-the-top language would give people a very strange (read: negative) impression of you, right? You said you'd like to think that effective communication might work, but what I've seen from you in this thread has not been very "effective." It's been hyperbolic, defensive, hostile, passive-aggressive, and pretty much anything but "effective." If your goal was to rile people up and come off as some kind of jealous nut, mission accomplished. If your goal was to have a reasonable discussion of jealousy, communication, and building relationships, that ship blew up on the launch pad.
You seem to have no problem seeing this thread in it's proper context, I wonder why everyone else is having such trouble.

Robert Maxwell wrote: View Post
Instead of communicating honestly, you put on a show.
I do that here. Usually it goes over pretty well. I'm a little more calm in reality.

Robert Maxwell wrote: View Post
You say you recognize your issues with jealous and possessiveness. Awareness is step one. What are you doing to change it?
Usually when I experience jealousy or possessiveness I step back and ask myself what's triggering the feelings, and then try to address those issues. From what I understand, this is probably the best way to go about things.

Robert Maxwell wrote: View Post
If you want to discuss any of this, discuss it. Two pages of you going on the counterattack against people impugning your fashion sense and personality traits has been really tedious to read.
Yeah, this probably wasn't the best time to try to be entertaining. While I've been entertained, it clearly failed as a whole.
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