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Old November 7 2013, 06:30 AM   #34
Kommander
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Location: Detroit
Re: Angst-Ridden Dating Rant #17

sttngfan1701d wrote: View Post
Women are attracted to confident men, not always the alpha male. The alpha male characteristics they DO like include: going after what he wants, taking charge, and showing her that he can handle her as well as himself and she's not going to be his mother. I don't know any woman that finds possessiveness to the point of anger and lashing out attractive.
Women are attracted to what they're attracted to, and women differ in what they're attracted to. Confidence is generally an attractive trait, but not everyone is attracted to confidence, and not everyone knows what confidence looks like even if they are, and not everyone actively pursues what they are attracted to. In every situation I've been in where a guy gets angry and possessive and starts lashing out at me, the woman usually responds by distancing themselves from me. I guess it's understandable. In these situations, between me and the other guy, one of us is going to be happy and the other pissed off. Keeping the other guy happy and pissing me off is the easier option because my anger isn't explosive.

Several people have pointed out that I appear angry, possessive, and insecure in this thread. And they're right, I am. What they're wrong about is that the solution is to simply not be these things. That isn't possible. All people feel anger, possessiveness and insecurity. Anyone who thinks otherwise is fooling themselves. The solution isn't to wish them away and pretend they don't exist, the solution is to redirect those negative feelings into constructive, or at the least, non-destructive actions. Negative emotions are not bad things, but how they prompt one to act can be. Venting on a message board probably isn't the best solution, but it's better than many alternatives. It helped me to organize my thoughts, and a few people had some good things to say. Overall, what I did was somewhat constructive.

mickmike wrote: View Post
Okay so i've read through this thread about three times and done enough face palming to win the captain picard facepalm medal of valour.
Awesome! I like winning medals.

mickmike wrote: View Post
Seriously Kommander, you are making all of these ridiculous assumptions about a guy you don't even know and contemplating even more ridiculous scenarios like him potentially getting violent over a girl from what i can gather you haven't even asked on a date yet.
I guess that's an apt summary.

mickmike wrote: View Post
Just grow a pair of balls, be a mature adult and ask her out.
I believe I've thoroughly demonstrated that I plan to make this as complicated as possible. Sorry, but your suggestion is not compatible with this outlook.

mickmike wrote: View Post
Regardless, you come across to me as a possessive, insecure and over-analytical.
You come across to me as dismissive and condescending. Is there a point to this or are we just name calling? The first two apply to everyone and the third is subjective. Most of the time when people berate me for over-analysis it's because they either want me to overlook something, because they think I'm being a pain in the ass about something they don't care about, or because I'm better at it than they are (see the "pain in the ass" thing I said). I'm not analyzing you so you probably don't want me to overlook something, and you're reading this thread of your own free will without prompting from me. So, are you threatened by my intelligence? There's really no reason to be. Intelligence is pretty meaningless, and I'm pretty stupid about most things, like this entire fucking thread.

mickmike wrote: View Post
All these attributes are going to push this girl away.
Maybe, maybe not.

mickmike wrote: View Post
Also all that noise about being attracted to women who are severely damaged emotionally makes you sound predatory and creepy. Again not attractive.
Not really. If I had said "I purposefully go after damaged women because they're easy" you may have a point. I said, pretty much the opposite of that.

Mr Awe wrote: View Post
I see that Kommander projects a lot. Much of what he see's in other is actually coming from within himself.
No more than anyone else in this thread.

Kestra wrote: View Post
There's a lot of verbosity for someone that seems like an acquaintance.
I'm like this about everything.

Kestra wrote: View Post
Advice on dealing with it would be to focus on developing a relationship with her if that's what you want, and then later worry about setting boundaries if that seems necessary.
My primary concern is whether or not I'm entering yet another toxic situation. The best way to determine this is by doing what you just said. However, if I later determine that the situation is toxic, it'll be more difficult to back out if I become attached to her. Right now, I'm not really attached to her, so it seems like this would be the best time to determine if it would be a toxic situation. I haven't really found any evidence of toxicity, but I'm concerned that, because that's the conclusion I'd like to reach, that maybe I'm purposefully overlooking something. I've done it before, and I have difficulty backing away from toxic situations once I become attached. This is why I'm always hesitant when I want to ask someone out. This is not going to change until I manage to find some non-toxic situations.

Kestra wrote: View Post
It also feels like you're downplaying the uniqueness of individuals. Sure, there are going to be recurring patterns and traits in your life, but each woman is different. To talk about them all as some generic broken mentally unstable prone to abusive relationships stereotype does no one any favors. I'd hate for a guy to define me the way you do here.
Did I give the impression that I was defining all women this way? I'm sorry if I did. I'm attracted to this type. I don't want to be, but I am. Luckily, it's not the only type I'm attracted to, so it should be avoidable. No, I don't assume that all women I'm attracted to are emotionally unstable, let alone all women in general. But when I'm attracted to someone, it is a question I ask myself, and something I look for. If I don't notice anything, I worry that I'm purposefully overlooking it. It's more about doubting my own perception than doubting the mental stability of those I'm attracted to.
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