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Old November 6 2013, 09:42 AM   #28
Kommander
Commodore
 
Location: Detroit
Re: Angst-Ridden Dating Rant #17

teacake wrote: View Post
You say this is not "assumption" but "inductive reasoning" and elsewhere you say other things are not assumptions but speculation.
Splitting hairs is a hobby of mine.

teacake wrote: View Post
Speculation this may be, but it is negative hyperbolic speculation.
No one disputes this.

teacake wrote: View Post
It is over analysis. I'm going to assume you see your over analysis tendencies as a personality trait based on other posts you've made but honestly it is not doing you any favors.
I see it as an extremely annoying personal trait that I wish didn't exist within me, but it is just how my brain works, is unavoidable, and I just try to live with it.

teacake wrote: View Post
It is not some kind of neutral thing because it has affected your emotions, gotten you all worked up AND has allowed you to feel free to label some guy you do not know a "douche" all because you have inductively reasoned him to be via a convoluted story you have constructed from some photos. I bet if you were secretly in love with the guy you could have constructed a story from those photos that was completely different.
I could probably construct the same story not being secretly in love with him, I just don't want to. I don't think he's a complete douche with zero redeeming qualities, but I do think he is a douche. When I receive new evidence, like, if I actually talk to him or meet him, I may change my assessment. It's possible that, despite being a douche, I might actually like the guy. I find a lot of douchey people to be also likable.

Even if he is a douche and becomes a problem, I've dealt with violent, controlling, abusive, stopped taking his Seroquel, seriously considering killing me, once put a gun to my head douchy asshole exes before. And this guy is my friend now. (He's on medication and has been for yeas and have made a lot of improvements and progress.) I can probably handle anything this guy can throw at me.

teacake wrote: View Post
I know you are most likely to answer defensively and tell me why this is all wrong as you told most people why they were all wrong in your replies.
Aside from some hair splitting, I've pretty much agreed with you.

teacake wrote: View Post
But I hope you will think about how over analysis works. Though it can be a fun game to play once you are actually worked up about it and judging others based on it you are losing your grip on your brain wheels spinning too fast. It's clear you have very little information about the woman, her past relationship or the ex boyfriend and your mind is trying to fill in all the blanks. You may well think this is fine because you intend to replace your "inductive reasoning" facts with any new facts that come along and disprove them. And as I said, if this was all a 'what if' game it wouldn't matter but the fact is it's made you angry and worked up and caused you to dislike someone and label them a douche and maybe abuser.
Mostly true, based on the evidence I've provided you with in this thread. In reality, I was only angry about this situation for maybe a minute and a half. My over-analyzation tends to override anger. Really, the core of the issue is that I doubt my own judgment. I've demonstrated bad judgment as to who I become romantically involved with in the past, I realize it, try to correct my mistakes, get involved with someone else, and then discover that I fucked up again. Once again, I'm thinking that I finally got it right. Then, at the slightest hint that there may be a minor problem, I over-react. I start thinking of all the other times when I realized I fucked up and would have backed away from the situation if I was smart, but I don't back away because I've become attached. In reality, my judgement is pretty good. The problem is, I don't trust my own judgment, but I do trust my ability to over-analyze. What I should start doing is trust my judgment and doubt my over-analyzation.

Thank you, that was helpful. Probably not in the way you meant it to be, but it is what it is.

teacake wrote: View Post
It can be very peaceful and freeing to say "I don't know anything. I will just ask."
I can do that and over-analyze at the same time.

teacake wrote: View Post
if any woman had a glimpse of this whole thought process you reveal here believe me that would come across a whole lot worse.
True. However, if it weren't for my excessive analysis tendency, my tendency to be a cocky bastard probably would have been a problem and I would have been all like "what's up with the douchey ex who is a douche?" to her. That would be worse still. Better I vent to Internet strangers than at her. As I said before, my original post was full of exaggerations and me trying to be entertaining. And, well, you've seen other threads about women I'm interested in and how people respond. It's possible I'm subconsciously trolling at this point.

teacake wrote: View Post
If someone else is freaked out by you simply saying, "hey I like you, what's the deal with the ex? and can we go out sometime?" then obviously it's not going to work out anyway.
This has happened to me before. But, well, I guess it's to be expected when one is attracted to batshit insanity. Although, really the worst reaction I've gotten in the past few years is non-committal responses and a constant canceling and rescheduling of dates. It's really just frustrating more than anything else and I end up thinking "Dammit, just tell me you're not fucking interested already!" It's really nothing to be afraid of.

teacake wrote: View Post
As to anxiety asking women out, I would say to anyone always understand that there is no way to tweak the setting and situation for asking someone out so that it is within your comfort zone. Accept that it is going to take you outside of your comfort zone and it's going to cause some stress and possible hurt and then just walk forward and do it.
The anxiety thing is really only with this girl. I generally hesitate, but I don't feel particularly anxious about it. Stress and being outside my comfort zone are things I'm used to.

sttngfan1701d wrote: View Post
I will say one more thing on the matter. In college, any woman that's halfway attractive or social is going to be surrounded by men as part of her everyday social/interactive group, be it in class, after class, going out, whatever. You may assume that 50% of these guys have romantic designs on her in one way or another. That's generally the way it works.
This doesn't bother me. In fact, it's a good thing sometimes, especially with polyamory. At first, I get into friendly competition/collaboration thing with the girl's boyfriend or other guys she's dating and it pushes everyone to be better. I have fun with it. Then the other guys get all pissy and starts accusing me of trying to make them look bad, and then i find out they do nothing but talk shit about me behind my back, and I'm like "what the fuck just happened?" Some poly people act like polyamory is some enlightened way of doing things, but the reality is that we suck at relationshipping just as much as everyone else.

sttngfan1701d wrote: View Post
You can't assume they're all douchebags bent on taking her away from you. You can't assume they post photos on Facebook to mark their territory. If you assume that, it makes YOU look like a douchebag.
I generally don't, and I'm mostly calling this guy a douche because I like calling people names. Also, no one said I'm not a douchebag. It's possible that I am. I mean, there is a can of Axe Body Spray sitting on the shelf next to me. That's enough evidence for a conviction by my standards. I'm probably not the best person to judge this kind of thing. We should do a poll. Some will say "yes," some will say "no," and an overwhelming majority will say "TEH BABA."

sttngfan1701d wrote: View Post
They aren't your problem, man. They're just in her sphere of influence. Cut them out of your picture. Focus on her. Accept that they're there, but just do your thing. Even if one is her ex, if he's still in her life, as YOU said yourself, that's her problem.
True, but some people are really persistent and difficult to ignore.

sttngfan1701d wrote: View Post
Anger isn't attractive to women. Lashing out at guys you don't know just makes you look possessive and crazy, which will send most of them running for the hills.
This is not universally true. A great many women are attracted to this kind of alpha male bullshit. Generally those women aren't my type, so it's probably best that I not do those things.
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