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Old November 6 2013, 03:03 AM   #19
Kommander
Commodore
 
Location: Detroit
Re: Angst-Ridden Dating Rant #17

sidious618 wrote: View Post
Wanting to castrate someone probably isn't the healthiest thought.
Hallucinating Odin probably isn't indicative of good mental health either, do you think I was being completely serious about that as well?

teacake wrote: View Post
Do you really think Odin drank it chilled?

It was cold! SNOW. Etc..
Odin was a hallucination and his opinions carry no weight with me. Eve still, how he prefers to drink mead has nothing to do with how I prefer to drink mead.

teacake wrote: View Post
Also Kommander you are making a LOT of assumptions about a guy you do not know and a relationship you seemingly had no inside story about.
I don't make assumptions; I'm speculating. When I do so I typically like to speculate a worst-case scenario. I've found it's a good way to prepare for less-than desirable situations.

Mr Awe wrote: View Post
1) For someone into polyamory, you seem to have difficulties relating to people. Perhaps polyamory is a cover for this because you don't really have to bond with one person? I bet you are polyamorous in situations that are designed to promote polyamory so you don't have to do anything other than show up to get some.
Anyone who goes into polyamory thinking it's a good way to avoid connecting with people is going te be severely disappointed. Other forms of non-monogamy are much better suited to that kind of outlook. And no, I am not polyamorous because I want to be a man-slut. I could do that if I wanted without being polyamorous.

Mr Awe wrote: View Post
2) It's just a fact of life that you'll have to compete for most any girl. They don't live in isolation and will have pre-existing relationships. Don't be surprised by this. Happens all the time yet new relationships can and do form.
I'm not concerned about competition. If she decides to get back together with him and be monogamous about it, and she seems happy with the situation, I'll accept it and be her friend. If he starts being a dick and she tolerates it because she can't stand up for herself, it's a situation I'd probably be better off backing away from.

Mr Awe wrote: View Post
3) The reason for your "mysterious anxiety" is fairly obvious, it's requiring more interpersonal skills than you are used to. This eye contact communication is new to you. It's not the overt, set-up situation that you are used to. The anxiety is you just have to stretch to be able to interpret and work with this novel situation.
The anxiety is probably due to biological attraction and brain chemicals fucking with me. The effect will be less drastic the more I interact with her, and it already has. The eye-contact thing is probably just who I associate with; most of them aren't good with it. She's really good with it. So yes, some aspects of the situation are novel.

Mr Awe wrote: View Post
4) You seem fairly negative about many interactions. This isn't helping you!
I've known a lot of shitty people, and for most of my life fell victim to confirmation bias and attributed this to humanity in general. I realize now that my sample isn't representative and most people are decent, but realizing it emotionally is taking a lot of work and is in progress.

Robert Maxwell wrote: View Post
Your first problem was putting on a fedora. Your second problem was putting on a fedora. (Sorry, I can't help but associate fedoras with MRAs and bronies.)
Fedoras were still awesome when I bought it, but then a bunch of dipshits had to go and ruin it. Unlike them I actually can pull off wearing a fedora, but I've taken to only wearing it when I'm wearing nicer clothes.

Robert Maxwell wrote: View Post
The curse of expectations. The key is to not have any, at least until things get more serious, which (I assume) they aren't. I can understand that kind of anxiety, though.
I really don't have any expectations. However, if I didn't think that dating this girl might be a good thing, I wouldn't bother. So, mild expectations, maybe.

Robert Maxwell wrote: View Post
Good call. Although one wonders why you didn't contact her sooner!
It has to do with being a chicken shit coward. I generally don't like asking women out. It's not a fear of rejection like for most people. As I've said, I'm attracted to women that are severely emotionally damaged, and this can lead to very unpleasant circumstances. Women have dated, and even had sex with me, in the past even though they didn't want to because they feared I'd react badly if rejected, and they didn't want to hurt my feelings. Because, apparently, leading me on for weeks or months and then making me feel like a sexual predator when it finally comes out is a much better way to accomplish this than simply saying "Not interested, sorry." On the rare occasion that a woman flatly turns me down, I thank her for giving me a straightforward response.

Robert Maxwell wrote: View Post
What I'm hearing here is that if things don't work out with this girl, maybe you should give her mom a call.


Robert Maxwell wrote: View Post
But you're right, pressuring her at a time like that would be poor form and probably doom whatever future chances you might have with her.
Yeah, I'm trying to think of a way to phrase "I'd really like to date you but now doesn't seem like a good time. How do you feel about this and do you have any ideas on how to proceed?" without sounding all awkward and therapisty.

Robert Maxwell wrote: View Post
Well, I can see why other people in this thread reacted the way they did. It does sound like he did what you think he did--crashed her party, tried to worm his way back into her good graces. If nothing else, you could talk to her about it. I'm not convinced he did it specifically to target you. You could well be nobody to him. It's possible he doesn't even know you exist. I would certainly recommend not taking it personally unless and until you're sure it was meant for you.
There's a good chance it wasn't aimed specifically at me. He may have just been saying to everyone "hey look, we're not really broken up! Look how happy we are! The bored, vaguely irritated look on her face is unrelated, true story!" He's probably seen at least some of my comments. If he was going to be a major, "this will involve the police at some point" problem, he probably would have said something to me by now. However, when I've dealt with possessive dipshits before and they usually start by waking a point of ignoring me. If he's going to be a problem he'll probably say something to me directly sometime soon.

Robert Maxwell wrote: View Post
I'm trying to imagine how this works where a woman must have forced interactions with her ex (barring the presence of kids or something) to the point that he can ruin her new relationship(s). Do they work together? Why must she associate with him at all? I will say that if you end up in a relatively serious relationship with her, you would be within your rights to discuss cutting that guy out if he's a persistent obstacle to your relationship. But not until then.
In my experience, being attracted to the emotionally damaged, it has to do with the ex being a borderline abusive manipulative cockknocker and the woman giving into him. If it goes beyond guilt tripping the girl into continued contact, typically they live together and he refuses to leave.

With the current situation, this guy doesn't seem abusive. They don't live together as far as I know. They both work in the same field, but I don't know if they work together. She isn't really forced to associate with him. I don't care if she does, or how she interacts with him. I mean, if he's being a dick I'll probably say something but I'm not going try to make any decisions for her. However, if he tries to prevent or interfere with me interacting with her, that affects me directly and it becomes my problem.

Robert Maxwell wrote: View Post
I'd probably say it more politely than that.
I probably will too. I'm typically more polite when attempting conflict resolution than I am in quasi-rage-fueled message board posts.

Robert Maxwell wrote: View Post
I'm a little surprised this kind of bullshit seems so common, except it gives me pause that you are apparently the common factor in these situations. I don't know why this keeps happening to you, though I could speculate that maybe you are misreading signals, or you are getting involved with insecure women who are easily manipulated by their exes, or you live in an area with exceptionally jerkbag guys.
Oh, I understand perfectly why this is common for me, and yes, I am the common factor. I grew up in an abusive family and my first relationship was with an abusive partner, so I identify with women that have been in similar situations. Also, on some level, I think that, as flawed as I am, I'm much better than the men they typically date, and I'll be appreciated. Unfortunately, what actually happens is they expect me to be an abusive dipshit, and get confused when it doesn't happen. So, I've tried moving away from that type, and have ended up in progressively better but still shitty situations. Eventually I'll find a non-shitty situation or situations, but I'd like it to happen quickly.

Robert Maxwell wrote: View Post
So, you want to have a relationship with this girl. I would think that entails you start with some dating. Yes, you talk, but have you gone out and done anything together? Doesn't sound like it. She's got a lot going on. So, you message her--privately--maybe get her on the phone. Tell her you know she's got a lot on her mind right now, but you want to be there for her, and ask if it would be possible for you to hang out sometime. Doesn't have to be anything fancy. You don't even have to call it a date. Just spend some time together. If that goes well, try something a little more organized, and go from there.
I'm going to, but I've been busy as well. School projects and dealing with the problem that I currently have $60 in my bank account and I don't get my next student loan disbursement until February. (Which reminds me, go to http://www.etsy.com/shop/KDRArmory for quality Kommander-made chainmail goods.)

Robert Maxwell wrote: View Post
Don't talk to her about her ex unless she brings him up or he intrudes directly while you are with her or something. That would be your opportunity to mention that you noticed he seems to be hassling her, and maybe suggest she just ignore him and avoid interacting with him at all. Anything further depends on how much you want to stick up for her yourself, but beating up exes is probably not a good way to build a relationship.
Previous relationships are usually something I like to discuss early, but yeah, I'm not going to be all "So, what's up with the douchebag ex?" or anything. Pretty much what you said, but I might prompt the discussion of previous relationships.

Robert Maxwell wrote: View Post
You should definitely discuss polyamory with her early, too. Set boundaries. Not everyone is into poly life, and she may want to be monogamous. Your approach of "sure, you can go fuck anyone you want, I don't care" sounds like an opening for no accountability or communication. It's fine to be poly, but everyone involved needs to be aware of what's going on. If you think her sleeping with her ex would be destructive, or encourage him to believe they have a future together, that's something you should probably discourage. If she doesn't like someone you are seeing, she has the right to say so, too. This is assuming you are in an actual relationship, of course.
Her and I discussed it already. I have an infinity heart tattoo on my left ring finger and she asked me about it. She was really interested in the topic. I started by pointing her to the Wikipedia article. I expected her to stop after the introduction, but she read the whole thing, and then she wanted to discuss it longer than I did. However, she didn't give any indication whether or not it appealed to her personally. She may have just enjoyed learning about me and my people.

Melakon wrote: View Post
You haven't even been on one date with her, and you're foaming at the mouth because this guy is going out with her? Sounds like jealousy to me, and anger with yourself that you didn't act when you had a chance. I've been there.
I'm foaming at the mouth because it entertains me, and it's prompting me to reflect on shitty past experiences. Also, he's not with her anymore, and it doesn't look like that will change. As for whether or not I have a chance, we'll see.

Jealousy is the fear of losing something. Whether or not I end up dating this girl, I like her, she apparently likes me, and even if a romantic relationship isn't on the table, I'd still like to pursue a friendship with her. If this guy is the possessive insecure douchebag I suspect him to be, he would probably prefer it if I didn't interact with her at all, and may take steps to prevent that interaction. If he does so, I would stand to lose something, therefore jealousy would be an appropriate response. As I'm anticipating that this situation may come to pass, I am feeling anticipatory jealousy. How I plan to deal with this jealousy is to either ask him to stop interfering and he does, wait for her to ask him to stop interfering and he does, or back away from the situation.

TremblingBluStar wrote: View Post
Like others said, it sounds like you are making a lot of assumptions about a situation you know next to nothing about.
I don't make assumptions. I'm speculating. The difference is, I have not accepted my speculation as concrete reality, only as a possibility

TremblingBluStar wrote: View Post
This is a major problem with young people who interact primarily online in that on social media sites you are only given a glimpse of what is going on in another person's life, so your imagination fills in the rest. If you are an especially negative person, you assume all sort of negative things which may or may not be true.
My past experiences are filling in the blanks, which may be inaccurate, hence why I don't make assumptions. I determined what I did from the pictures using inductive reasoning. In the 30 or so pictures she posted, she looks like she's having a good time, and the ex isn't in any of them. In the two that he posted, she does not look like she's having a good time, and he did not post any other pictures from that night. There's also the factor that he took the pictures himself. I've been to a lot of different bars on many occasions, and 99% of the time, people simply ask someone nearby to take a picture rather than opting for a selfie. People are usually willing, and it usually results in better quality pictures. The only advantages to taking a selfie in a crowded bar is that it gives others less of a chance to object to a picture being taken, and there's the possibility it wasn't be noticed. This is enough evidence to find him being guilty of being a douche.

TremblingBluStar wrote: View Post
My advice is to stop fixating on this one girl. You are in college. There are plenty of women out there to chose from! Ask out other women. Go on a few dates. Work on improving your social skills. The best way to be less anxious about dating is to have plenty of options available.
Now who's making assumptions? The way people typically date does not work for me. I feel like a dipshit asking out women I've never talked to before. I need to get to know someone a bit, casually, without the expectation of romantic involvement, before I can decide if I'm interested in dating them. It doesn't work any other way for me. I'm not dating a bunch of women, but I am interacting with and getting to know several of them. I like the one this thread is about the most, but there are a few others. However, there aren't any problems with the others, so I didn't mention them. So, you're second paragraph is completely wrong.

Squiggy wrote: View Post
Also, Odin? Fuck that guy. He's a douche.
BLASPHEMY!!!

Kirby wrote: View Post
Hey man, just ask her out already. If she really likes you then she'll probably put some distance between her and that guy. If she doesn't like you, or you just don't do anything about it, then she will get with someone, whether it's this guy again or someone else.
Wow, that was simplistic and condescending.

Kirby wrote: View Post
Either way, you really have no right to comment about her and what some guy may or may not be doing if you're not in the picture. And lose the hat.
I will comment on whatever the fuck I want to comment on whenever the fuck I feel like commenting on it. Whether or not others are obligated to take my comments into consideration is a different matter. The "stay out of it, it's none of your business" mentality is common among abusers. If he actively tries to prevent me from interacting with her when she wants to interact with me, it definitely does involve me and is my business. Also, I will repeat once again, I am not trying to prevent her from interacting with him. This is about how he acts toward me insofar as it only affects me.

teacake wrote: View Post
Fedoras are for NOBODY.
Indiana Jones disagrees. Also...



I totally pull it off.
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