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Old August 15 2013, 03:31 AM   #21
Lieutenant Commander
Re: Star Trek: Excalibur begins production on 1st webisode

Agree, congratulations on actually producing something.

My feedback:

1) The music was dreadful. Very dated and very distracting. Star Trek is much more subtle. And since you are a TOS show, on a Constitution ship, there are certain consistencies you need. Look at Farragut here.

2) The exchange between Nelson and the ship when he beams down made no sense and was really odd.

3) Then another odd exchange with the receptionist. I immediately didn't buy Nelson as a Captain.

4) When the Admiral walks up to Nelson, he acts like a parent looking at a little child. It was totally out of character with how an Admiral would act. I had no respect for this guy. Look at Secret Voyage for how to view an officer of Flag rank. Or P2's Admiral. Both have authority and presence.

At this point I think you just need to get a professional story editor who will objectively look at your story and dialogue. Because, while Captain Atkin points out all the valid technical issues, I just felt the script needed lots of work.

And being that I always tell people to bring me a solution if they bring me a problem...

I will suggest Dave Galanter, a professional writer, with 5 Star Trek novels to his name, and who was my story editor on Axanar. Happy to share his info. Not sure if he will do it, but worth at least asking him.

Loken is offline   Reply With Quote