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Old June 26 2013, 07:26 PM   #28
Picard Alpha
Re: What is your least favourite TNG film

Lance wrote: View Post
The trouble with all four of the TNG movies is they came out of Rick Berman's patented Script-o-Matic. They hit the same beats and almost no thought seems to have gone into making them genuinely different to each other (First Contact probably comes closest). They're generically bland. There's no life in them, no soul. Not for nothing was somebody able to come up with the Star Trek TNG Movie Plot Generator (

You know, the Original Trek movies all at least felt unique, they felt like somebody had sat down and said "Okay, in this movie we're going to do X and move Y and make sure that Z happens". The TNG movies all feel like they had a format which they stuck to unwaveringly through all four instlaments. Rick Berman applied television production logic to the movie screen (you gotta churn out those sausages in time for the release date, no time to stop and think, just get them on that production line and start working on the next one!), whereas the TOS movie people seemed to approach each movie as a new challenge that was designed to push the franchise a little further. The TNG movies lacked ambition of any kind. They were simply a 'product'.
Oh my! I had way too much fun with this.


The film opens with some credits that make the audience's eyes hurt.

After the credits, we see Picard pooping. This confuses the audience to no end.

Next, we cut to the Enterprise. Throughout the movie, the ship interiors are filmed too dark to see things clearly. On the Enterprise, we see the TNG crew. They are on a nearby planet raking leaves on an alien world to lend a helping hand to it's inhabitants. During this scene, Picard complains about his advanced age and all of the leaves they have to clean up.

There is an incoming hail, where Picard is instructed that Picard and the TNG crew must respond to a distress signal in a very distant sector of space. Strangely, Enterprise is the only ship in range...Thus, beginning their mission.

When they arrive at this mission, Data accidentally rips his pants.

This scene abruptly switches to a scene involving a sudden warp core failure in engineering. A rouge spark 'accidentally' falls into Geordi's hair. He ponders if it's sentient, and calls for Data to examine closer. This scene could have been very action-packed, but is very short, unfortunately. We never resolve whether the spark gained sentience.

Later on, Picard finally finds out that an evil alien named Tymar is purposely disabling ships warp cores using strange anomalies in space., and thus the plot of the film finally begins.

As the crew work toward resolving this plot, a member of the TNG crew talks to Q, though this person doesn't really help anything.

Then, Tymar, the film's obvious bad guy, is revealed. But Tymar is not REALLY that bad, because this villian didn't know his technology was harming nearby ships..

The crew then learns that the entire quadrant is in grave danger! They must come to the rescue!

While they are working on this rescue, Data sings 'Today by Smashing Pumpkins.' The audience groans.

A little later, Worf slips on a banana peel left by Data to feed Troi. This ticks off many Worf fans in the audience.

Later on, Troi, who had nothing else to do in the film, accidentally chokes to death on a peanut..

A little later, Riker shaves more than just his beard this time. The audience doesn't laugh, however.

Trying to resolve things, Picard and his Away Team beam down to the cornfields of a random town called Broken Bow, wherever that is.. Which looks almost cinematic, but not quite.

Crusher and Geordi do absolutely nothing for the duration of the film.

Then, for no reason, someone in the film says 'bitch!' The audience pretends this is cool and edgy.

Finally, the crew discovers that Tymar has a Binford 9000! This makes the situation very dangerous!

In reaction to this, one of the crewmembers says 'When it rains, it pours!' ...even though this makes no sense.

In their attempts to stop Tymar, Enterprise has a massive space battle, the borg show up briefly, oh yeah, throw in some Ferengi warships from season one too. Enterprise, now crippled crawls away to safety. This looks really cool... but doesn't stop Tymar.

Soon, Riker shoots at Geordi. But this doesn't help anything.

There is a final showdown in a nebula called the Belzarian rift. Almost defeated, Tymar, in a fit of rage, attempts to activate his Binford 9000! Time is running out, so Picard beams over and attempts to stop him.

Eventually, Picard violently and mercilessly kills Tymar by driving over him several thousand times with his Argo. Picard is almost killed in the process, but luckily bolian hairdresser Mot saves Picard at the last moment.

Later, Picard contemplates on what has happened. As a result of this mission, Picard has resolved his problems with all of the leaves they had to clean up earlier in the film. Picard then gives a speech about illegal lending practices aboard the Enterprise..

The TNG crew then beams back to the Enterprise, which warps off into space.

The TNG theme plays on the soundtrack.
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