^The editing process may have been as rushed as the writing process.
This almost certainly has to be the case.
I have two unsubstantiated theories:
First, that it was kind of pushed through without the editor really touching it, trusting the veteran Star Trek writer. The remarks are so obvious it makes it difficult to read the book, I find it difficult to understand how an experienced editor could read through it and approve it without lining out those items.
Second, the editor did go through and mark those things off but somehow an earlier draft accidentally get sent over instead of the corrected one. This kind of thing has been known to happen, even in Star Trek books (though I can't remember which ones, maybe Killing Time?) so it seems plausible as well.
Perhaps I shouldn't be speculating, but the whole thing just seems so odd to me that I'm really curious how this happened.