Locutus of Bored wrote:
First, find a paper clip, a broomstick, and a roll of toilet paper.
Open the paper clip and use the pointed end to depress the button on your stereo. Repeat as necessary until your find the proper mood music. Set it to cover any embarrassing squeaking noises from the bedsprings.
Use the broomstick to mark off a minimum safe distance to maintain away from your parent's bedroom wall and any other walls. Move the bed to that point in the middle of the room.
Take the roll of toilet paper and put it behind your head as an extra barrier above a pillow to prevent banging your or her head into the headboard.
Well played sir. Well played.
I suggest you tell your mother you saw rats...multiple rats or some other type of pest and that upon taking the initiative, you called an exterminator only to find out the problem is so serious that you'll have to evacuate your home for at least 24 hours (possibly longer, if you're feeling up to it) while the pests are removed. Mention something about deadly chemicals that could render you dead if inhaled.
Have your mother rent a hotel room and tell her you'll be staying over at a friends house. Once your mother has left and thinks you've left as well, invite your girlfriend over and proceed to have coitus. And since your mother will be gone for some time, feel free to engage in coitus multiple times.