I'm man enough to confess I've always liked The Sound of Music
, even when I was a kid. Of course, being a guy, as a kid my favorite part of the movie was near the end when they were escaping from the Nazis. And, being a guy, I would have liked it if there had been just a little
more action. I present to you the way the movie might have ended if I had written it at around, oh, age thirteen or so.
Exterior Convent Courtyard. Rolfe has just discovered where Maria and her family are hiding.
Rolfe: Don't come any closer! I'll shoot!
Captain Von Trapp: (Takes the gun away from Rolfe) You'll never be one of them.
Rolfe: (Straightens. Looks angry) Lieutenant!
Captain: (Runs back to Maria and the children) He's alerted the others. In a few moments this courtyard will be swarming with Nazis. We have to get out of here now.
Liesl: We can't leave through the front entrance, they'll be watching that.
Maria: Don't worry. I used to live in this convent, so I know where the secret passageways are.
Captain: Good. Take the kids. I'll hold off the Nazis as long as possible, and I'll find a way to catch up with you afterward.
Maria: Just stay alive. (Kisses the Captain) Now kick their butts!
(Maria presses a hidden button and a door opens up in the brick wall. She and the children rush in and the door closes behind them as seven Nazis rush into the courtyard. The first one rushes the Captain, but the Captain knocks him out with his lightning-fast right hook. Then he takes out two more with an awesome Chuck Norris-style roundhouse kick. He does a back flip, lands in the middle of the other four, and knocks them all out before they realize what is going on.)
Captain: (Looking at the unconscious bodies) Well, that wasn't too hard.
(Forty more Nazis swarm into the courtyard)
Captain: Ah crap. (Rushes to the nearest doorway)
(Cut to Interior of secret passageway. Maria and the children are racing down a long flight of stairs. Reverend Mother and two other nuns meet them in a large chamber at the bottom. There are two large jet fighter aircraft behind them.)
Reverend Mother: Maria, my child. I had hoped you would bring your family down this passageway. We have food and supplies for your journey to Switzerland.
Maria: Thank you Reverend Mother. Um, what's with the airplanes?
Reverend Mother: Those are the NZ1000 #1 and the NZ1000 #2. The Third Reich is developing these aircraft. They are forcing us to hide these prototypes here in the convent against our will.
Nun #1: They can hover in place like a helicopter, or travel at three times the speed of sound, they are invisible to radar, they have heat-seeking guided missiles that can hit a two-inch target from fifty miles away, and they have enough fire-power to level a city the size of London.
Nun #2: With a fleet of weaponry such as this, there will be nothing standing between Hitler and total world domination!
Friedrich: Fräulein Maria, if we stole one of these prototypes, we could get to Switzerland in no time!
Leisl: Then we could hand the plane over to the Allies and help them win the war!
Maria: That's an excellent idea children. Let's hop in. (Opens the door to the NZ1000 #1. She and all of the children climb on board.)
Gretl: Fräulein Maria, are you sure you know how to fly one of these things?
Maria: Strap yourselves in, kids. I have confidence that this won't be as easy as do re mi. (Puts on a pair of flight goggles) FIRE IN THE HOLE! (She fires a missile at the wall, blasting a hole large enough for the plane to pass through.
Cut to exterior. Captain Von Trapp races up the stairs to the roof. Nazis fires dozens of rounds at him, but they keep missing because they are the bad guys he's the hero. Soon, he is fighting Nazis hand-to-hand on the roof of the convent, occasionally throwing them off the building or knocking them back down the stairs. Eventually he has eliminated all of them except for Rolfe and the Lieutenant.
Rolfe: (Pulls out his pistol) Please come with us Captain. Don't make any more trouble.
Lieutenant: (To Rolfe) It's too late for that, he's made enough trouble. (To the Captain) How far the great have fallen, Captain. You were going to be given a great position of leadership in the Third Reich, but now you're going to be worm-food. Step to the edge Captain. Rolfe, shoot him.
Captain: Don't do it Rolfe. The reason I said you would never be one of them is because I know there is still good in you. Think about Leisl. You know I never liked you dating her, but if you really loved her you can prove it now by doing the right thing.
Rolfe: (Hesitates for a minute. Then he looks defiant and lowers his gun.) I won't shoot him.
(The Lieutenant pulls out his own gun and aims it at Rolfe. Rolfe glances over the side of the roof. Then he casually steps off and falls out of sight. The Captain and the Lieutenant give each other confused looks. Then they step toward the edge where Rolfe jumped off. Rolfe reappears. As he rises we soon see that he is now standing on a hovering NZ1000 #1. The plane's guns turn on the Lieutenant, and blow him away.)
Liesl: (Opens the door to the plane) Rolfe! Dad! Get in!
(They jump in, and the plane zooms away)
Kurt: The next time we start singing about our favorite things, I'm definitely mentioning this plane.
(We see the plane speeding over the Alps. Lots of gorgeous snow-capped mountains surround them.)
Maria: (Still piloting the plane) Well kids, we should be landing in Switzerland in a few minutes. It looks like things will be smooth sailing the rest of the...
(Crash! Something jolts the plane)
Friedrich: It's the NZ1000 #2! They've followed us and now they're shooting.
Maria: Let's see if we can lose them. (She swerves the plane this way and that, eventually dodging around a large military blimp with a swastika on the side. The second plane hits the zeppelin and there is a spectacular fiery explosion. The plane emerges from the explosion unscathed.)
Captain: This readout indicates they have locked their missiles on us.
(The NZ1000 #2 fires its missiles. They swerve around a little, then zero in on our heroes' plane and zip directly toward it.)
Friedrich: (Points at the dashboard) Look, our plane has anti-incoming defense missiles! (He presses a button. The NZ1000 #1 fires its own missiles which take out the enemy missiles in another cool explosion)
(The planes zip through the Alps, spectacularly dodging mountaintops and icy cliffs, occasionally whisking past mountain goats and shepherds in Lederhosen. The NZ1000 #2 shoots several times at the NZ1000 #1.)
Maria: They've damaged our weapons system. We can no longer return fire!
Captain: They've locked missiles on us again. We're in trouble.
(Cut to Interior Convent)
Nun #1: Reverend Mother, I have sinned.
Nun #2: I, too, Reverend Mother.
Reverend Mother : What is this sin, my children?
(The nuns pull out some aircraft parts and show them to Reverend Mother.)
Nun #1: It's part of the cooling system of the NZ1000 #2. It prevents it from overheating and blowing up.
(Cut to shot of the planes flying over the Alps. The NZ1000 #2 Explodes. Its flaming wreckage crashes into a mountainside, sending mountain goats flying.)
(Fade to shot of the NZ1000 #1 landing in Switzerland. “Climb Every Mountain” inspirationally plays in the background.)