Re: How do I have sex with my girlfriend?
First, find a paper clip, a broomstick, and a roll of toilet paper.
Open the paper clip and use the pointed end to depress the button on your stereo. Repeat as necessary until your find the proper mood music. Set it to cover any embarrassing squeaking noises from the bedsprings.
Use the broomstick to mark off a minimum safe distance to maintain away from your parent's bedroom wall and any other walls. Move the bed to that point in the middle of the room.
Take the roll of toilet paper and put it behind your head as an extra barrier above a pillow to prevent banging your or her head into the headboard.
My name is Ozymandias, king of kings: Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare
The lone and level sands stretch far away.