Count Zero wrote:
The second version is a great improvement over the first one. There are still some minor issues (mostly typos, doubled words, that sort of thing) but you managed to create a more vivid picture of this society and especially the characters of your story. This time around, Ya'Hale's supposed death resonated with me pretty strongly.
I hope you'll stick around the forum and for future challenges.
I don't know if I will be around for more challenges. I think it will depend on whether I can come up with a story that's to my satisfaction.
I realized what you realized in your note to me from before--the characters weren't strong enough and what I wanted to say with them wasn't fully fleshed out. Each theme got a sentence or two, and not a full conversation. I still think the story could be expanded and if I hadn't run out of time, it might have been a great deal longer.
I have a tendency to have typos when I don't have someone else read my work, which is what happened here. I know where the story is going, and I have a hard time not reading what I intended, instead of what I wrote. But I will make a better effort in the future not to make such blatant mistakes (I saw at least 4 of them, one I corrected before the contest was over).
It's also hard because I am not writing here, but in Word. So to separate the paragraphs was difficult to do and I wasn't successful so it looks cheap. But, again, that just takes a greater effort before I publish from now on.
I really enjoyed doing this. Like I said in an earlier thread, this was my first creative writing in nearly 7 years. It was slow at the beginning while I came up with my notes, it was overwhelming trying to get all I wanted to say into a single story. And after I finally got myself to write the story and stop trying to write a better outline, I threw up my rough draft within hours of "completing" it. This was exciting for me, and even when it hurt, this was fun, a labor of love.
A lot of this story draws upon my personal experiences in the last 2-3 years as a student, a amateur philosopher, reading the headlines of political fights with an eye on sociology, and my education on the nature of democracy from Freshmen year of High School on up. Because it was personal material, it was hard sometimes to see whether or not I had put a clear idea into the piece. Perhaps that will get better with time.
I am fascinated by First Contact stories. It's the type of Star Trek
I would like to see, why I want another series. And when our universe is in peril that makes for more dramatic Star Trek
, it is something I grow tired of fairly quickly. It's been done to death. So I figured after all the complaining I do on other portions of the site, it was my duty to write the type of Star Trek
story I would like to see, put my money where my mouth is.
I don't really care if I win or not. My only hope is that what I created was entertaining and thought-provoking. If it's not, oh well. I am an amateur with rust and dust bunnies where my creative juices once laid.
But I am thankful that this is a board that has shown some support for original works of fiction. You don't find that everywhere.