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Old March 4 2013, 12:00 AM   #3
Fleet Captain
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Re: Anabar First Contact...

Count Zero wrote: View Post
Good idea for a story and I also liked how you wrote some of it in first person. The way you managed to make a connection to the Enterprise crew is kind of nifty. I'm not sure Picard would react that way he does at the end because he seems to be quite aware of the (past) failings of humanity. But that's your decision.
I think there could be a bit more meat to the story, especially reagrding the Anabar section of the story, e.g. the build-up of the conflict. It's still early in the month so you have the chance to do that if you choose to do so.
Also, I believe you're using the word flash mob wrong. A flash mob is a peaceful piece of performance art and usually not associated with the outbreak of violence.
Thanks for the feedback--it's been hard to stay patient.

Yes, I had another word I misused. "stocky" instead I used "stoutly." It's the first day of class, she shouldn't know the kind of man he is. I wasn't aware I could make any changes. I will do so. I really published my first draft and I leaped to publish it. If I can make changes, I will have plenty before this is over, including your notes.

Thanks again.
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