Wow. Thanks for posting this!
I only have the prologue and act one from the second revised draft, as I read through the draft and memo I see what Justman is refering to, but it's strange what he gets wrong.
It was already posted the dog was in The Enemy Within, not the Man Trap, but that isn't the only thing off.
On page 2:
He complains about Sulu announcing "so soon" about Dr McCoy "going ape" but the script scene discribes Dr. McCoy assaulting Mr. Spock and 2 other crewmen. It doesn't mention them alerting security, but why wouldn't they? Then Justman asks how Kirk knows McCoy has 2 hours to live in his narration in scene 16, but the last words of scene 15, which is the end of the teaser, Spock states "He'll be dead in two hours."
I wish I had the whole script, and I don't have page numbers, but I can guess that page 14a which caused him to be cruel to his family is when Dr. McCoy uses Janice Rand as a shield, maybe? That's the end of what I have. It's strange how Justman actually has a lot of good points but has so much wrong. I really like the episode as filmed much better, no animal bite, no backwards chronometers, and some of the descriptions of Dr. McCoy's appearance is kept. Also, why do they beam down so far away from where they are going and the Guardian was much better as that big gateway than a fishbowl.
Finally, the speech on page 11 that Justman says would change it from a drama to a comedy is probably,
"I always thought stories about time machines were drunk-stuff of lab technicians when they'd had too much pure grain to drink."
Wow. The fundamental story, the basic idea, is good, but the dialogue sure isn't! I was neutral about the whole "he changed my story" crap, but I hate how some people have had to spread lies or have skewed opinions to support their side. Not here, I mean in different print through the years.