SHIP'S MEDICAL LOG - CHIEF SURGEON McCOY - CONFIDENTIAL:
Mission year 1:
During one of our very first voyages, the captain was FREAKING SPLIT IN TWO! One was like all wimpy and stuff, but the other half attempted rape. We managed to glue him back together, but damn! Now I'm going to have to watch him all the time in case he splits again. I'll need to be on the bridge, when I should instead be in sickbay.
Mission year 2:
Okay, just the fifth mission out and our first officer turns all salmon has has to go upstream to Vulcan and spawn. I was just going to give him Prozac, but no
, he gets brain fever or something and tries to kill the captain with a Vulcan necktie. Need I add that now I'm going to have to be on the bridge even MORE, in case the urge comes back? And guess who doesn't get a raise for all the extra work... Hold on, computer, prepare to pause recording: a super-powerful space robot the size of a Hoover just took away the comm officers's mind. Including her security clearances. We're reinstalling it all, but who knows what happened to the codes? Sigh. Back to the bridge full-time AGAIN. I'm a doctor, not a security guard!
Mission year 3:
As if I wasn't practically married to the bridge already
, on our very first mission this year I had to reinstall the first officer's freaking BRAIN!
Do you have any idea how many months of damn near full-time therapy that's going to require? Hmmm, and guess which fleet has never given yours truly a good budget to hire more staff? The captain wanted me to move in with the pointy-eared #&$#* to keep an eye on him 24/7, but he let me off with simply being on the bridge nearly every mission. Like that's a big treat? He still won't give me my own chair
! Everyone else on the freaking bridge gets a chair, even Ensign Leslie, who I swear has spoken aboard ship only once. But nooooo, I'm stuck again leaning on the railings, like some hunched goof.
Anyway, I tried to get the captain drunk, like I always do, but -- major fail. He refused to budge.
I swear, when we get back to earth I'm going to grow a beard and go camping.