I'm sorry to hear that you've been having problems with depression. It's a very serious illness, and if you're in a position to get treatment for it, I'd really urge you to do so. Even knowing you have support can make a real difference to your mood, and your sense of your ability to cope. I've been in a state of on-and-off depression for years, starting at least when I was about 11. I've recently learnt that I'm probably type-2 bipolar, and I have agitated depression or dysphoric mania. I was in a state of that for a few weeks just now (indeed, it prompted me to start a thread very much like yours, Donald Draper
).What you say about constant worry and difficulty in dealing with anything new is familiar to me, and I know it can be a real obstacle when it comes to making the most out of life.
One of the biggest trials of depression is the sense that life is overwhelming, that you just can't handle it. Rather than being a functioning part of the world around you you see life as an exhausting series of never-ending hurdles and so you withdraw - from other people, from meaningful activity, from all aspects of the world. But of course isolation and inactivity make the condition worse. In my case, I also have the manic agitation that (when it comes on) keeps me in a state of dread and panic, a sense that I'm wasting my life and have
to accomplish things and have
to live my life to the full, so I become melodramatic about being depressed.
Another familiar thing you're saying, Donald Draper,
is the disappointment that comes when you lapse into depression after believing you've moved beyond it. The sense that your development or progress was meaningless, that you'll have to fight it off again...it can contribute to the overall problem because it's quite the crushing blow, particularly if you're someone who places much importance on self-improvement. But the illness can be managed, and you can come to a much better place with help and the desire to make the most of it. If you go for treatment, you should be able to meet with behavioural therapists that can encourage you to resume activities and social interactions that will improve your overall mood, and you can be introduced to cognitive exercises that will help manage your anxiety and the automatic thoughts that provoke it.
I'm glad you moved in with your sister and got away from an environment you felt was oppressive or uncomfortable - it's really important you have a place where you can "retreat" to after dealing with the outside world, and if home isn't a good place for you it's much harder to improve your overall mood.
Please, keep us informed of your progress, and never be afraid to ask for help. Like the others have said, you're not alone here and you have no reason to regret posting.