I appreciate the advice. I could give a lot of details perhaps I will in time. I thought I had overcome most of this in recent years. Than last fall a lost of serious shit happened.
In October of 2011 I was in a bicycle accident. I suffered massive head trauma. I am an atheist and I still am. Most people would say my recovery was miraculous. Other than no strong memory of the accident or the week after I had total recall of everything. I did not need to relearn to walk or talk. But my boneflap was removed because of swelling and was replaced last December,
I had never been in a hospital since my birth. But for someone who always had anxiety issues it was overwhelming to deal with this. Just simply having to be told when I could eat or go to the bathroom.
I am still not sure what really happened. Two days before this my only serious girlfriend broke up with me. On top of that a month before I had to move back with my parents to save money. That bothered me more than anything. Her timing, she knew hard it was for me to date at all. But to break up when I was living at home.
Was it suicide? I don't think so. But I was being reckless in how I was riding. Maybe on some subconscious level it was. I was conscious when I was found on the road and in the hospital. I was told I was swearing at everyone and trying to pull out all my needles. I don't remember.
My earliest memory after was a dream in which I was locked in a restaurant at night and was not allowed out.
When my short term memory returned, a week later, my big concern was who was going to pay for the bills. Not my condition! The state of Wisconsin payed for it until April and than when I was well cut me off. So no follow up.
More than anything all this revealed to me real weakness I always had. I had trouble with some of the therapy not because of the accident, but because of problems I always had. I have wanted to return to school but howI can pay for it or will I be able to deal with the stress.
The day I was hurt,before my ride my sister and I talked on the phone about me moving to Las Vegas by her. I can't stand my parents. I lived with them way too long. A lot of my issues stem for that. Having to deal with them after the accident all the time was the worst. I had to pretend I love them so I could get out. Or at least I felt that way.
Anyways I was VERY motivated to get out of the hospital as soon as possible and to return to work. Probably sooner than I should have. Than to save money to move by my sister. Well I did that in July.
Now its like, what do I do now? I have no friends here. I never really had friends at all. I got an ok starting job. But not enough to be able to have a place of my own or a social life.
I been trying to put the past behind me for years. Ok I did that. Now what? I have no idea. Thats fucking scary. Most people have something they want. I just try to get by.
The physical pain is very close to gone now. I was told it would take about a year.