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Old April 30 2003, 10:38 PM   #1
Rear Admiral
Location: CaptainWacky
Three Years Of Starscream: A Celebration

Three years. I'm know some of you reading this have only been posting on TrekBBS for a fraction of that time. Even so, I'm sure I've still touched your life in some positive way. And for those who have been here for two or three years, I am as Stalin is to Hammer, a role model, an icon. A hero. I know some of you old timers are probably planning to write glowing tributes to me yourself. I appreciate the thought (though it is no less than I deserve), but please don't. You see, only one person can write a tribute worthy of me, a tribute of such high quality as my contributions to the board merit. And that me! But I'm sure you already figured that out. I have been mentally planning this tribute for one year, since I thought to myself "hey, I've been on the board for two years. I should post a huge tribute to my own greatness next year!" Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking to yourself "but Starscream, you turn 22 on Sunday! Surely a young man as popular, handsome and socially apt as you has more important thing to do!" And you're right, I do. But I am willing to makes sacrifices. I am willing to take time out from my busy schedule of getting LAID, drinking ALCOHOL, watching Hollyoaks and doing lots of other COOL things to write this. Why? For the people less fortunate than me who don't have a real life, of course! For the many TrekBBSers who live vicariously through me. They deserve a little happiness in their lives, after all. I know you'll all love it. And if you don't, you're obviously a freak who deserves to be ridiculed and driven off the board by my acolytes.

Anway, I'll start the tribute with a play I have written about my time on the board. This is only the first draft, so it's rather short, but it covers the most important incidents involving me which have occured in the last three years.

(April, 2000)

Starscream: I'm bored. I think I'll search for Star Trek episode reviews.

*Starscream finds and, foregoing sleep, reads every review on the site*

Starscream: That was fun! But my desire for Star Trek knowledge is not satiated! I need more! I need to talk about Star Trek with fellow nerds!

*Starscream finds a link to the TrekBBS on Jammer's site*

Starscream: At last! A place where I can have SERIOUS and MEANINGFUL discussions about Star Trek!

*Starscream registers under the name of his favourite Transformer and posts his first SERIOUS and MEANINGFUL thread*

Starscream: Why are there no fat people in Trek?

(A few minutes later)

Starscream: This board sucks.

(Eight months later)

Starscream: I'm bored. I think I'll return to that Star Trek board as chauvinist luberjack character.

Big Shirltess Rod: Hello ladies! Make me a sandwich! Touch my manly chest! Etc!

Everyone on the board: You're not funny.

(February 2001)

Red Quacker: Hello. I am going to make some outrageous demands and generally be annoying. Everyone but Starscream and a few other people with a sense of humour will hate me.

Christian: As I am too lazy to actually argue with Red Quacker, and as he hasn't actually broken any rules which would allow us to warn him, I'm going to unfairly permanently ban him from the board.

Blue Quacker: This is unfair!

Starscream: Mister Quacker, you have inspired me to register a humorous alternative username of my own. But he won't just be a one note troll, oh no! He will actually be used to make ironic commentary on the board and its users. And his name shall be...CaptainWacky.

(April 2001)

CaptainWacky: Hi, I'm new!

Typical MISCer: Hi newbie!

(A couple of hours later.)

CaptainWacky: I'm leaving the board forever!

Typical MISCer: But didn't you just get here?

Starscream: Ahahahaha! They're all so confused! I am brilliant! There has never been anyone on the internet as funny as me! I will stop posting as Starscream and dedicate myself to Wacky fully.

Kitty: No Screamy, stay and post in the Lounges.

Starscream: Oh, okay.

Castek: Hello, I am Castek. Even though you find me annoying when we first meet in the Lounges, and even though I have no morals or sense of right and wrong, we will eventually become good friends.

Starscream: Cool.

(A few months later.)

Starscream: I think I'll turn CaptainWacky into a kind of troll parody and post in ALL CAPS.


Starscream: Yeah, like that. But I need a second alt. One who I can just spam and annoy people with.

StoneCold SteveAustin: What?

Starscream: Perfect!

(Time passes.)


LizardLaugh: CaptainWacky for admin!

Starscream: Huh?

Susannah: Yes, I also enjoy CaptainWacky.

Starscream: Well, since it seems everyone loves CaptainWacky so much, I should just confess that it's me and receive my well deserved plaudits.

CaptainWacky: I was actually Starscream all along!

Everyone Except TLE: Cool! You were a fun alt who didn't do any harm and you certainly don't deserve a warning!

StoneCold SteveAustin: What?

*the CaptainWacky name is locked*

Morn The Lorian: Mod are the smellies true.

Christian: That's it! You've went too far this time, Morn. You, and all the trolls, are PERMBANNED!

StoneCold SteveAustin: What?

Christian: And I'm also banning all the really obvious alts!

StoneCold SteveAustin: WHAT!?

Starscream: I shall register on TrollKingdom.

BobbyT: Hi, let's be friends.

Captain Decker: Yes, me too.

Starscream: Okay. Just don't get banned for hacking Lord Garth's account in a few weeks, okay?

Castek: Hello again. As I predicted, we are now friends. I will now register the greatest alt ever.

Big Matty: Women with saggy breasts tend to be spiteful.

Everyone Except Christian And Lisa: This guy's great!

Big Matty: Thank you. Now I will ask if Janeway is worthy of "servicing" the Sisko...

Christian and/or Lisa: You're banned!

(Time passes)

Katie543: It is now time for the first ever Grand Miscellaneous contest!

Hunter X: ...and then T'Bonz fell down drunk!

Starscream: ...and then I forced the squirrels to get married!

Katie: Starscream wins!

(17 contests and 17 victories over Hunter later.)

Starscream: ...then...umm...the squirrels got divorced. The end.

Hunter X: ...and then T'Bonz fell down drunk!

Katie: Hunter wins the 18th contest!

Hunter: I AM = TEH BEST!!!!1

(Summer 2002)

Starscream: I'm gay!

Heterosexual girls: Boo!

Starscream: I'm straight!

Homosexual guys: Boo!

Starscream: I'm bisexual!

Militant homsexuals and girls who think bisexual guys are just kidding themselves: Boo!

Starscream: I am sexually ambiguous!

Everyone: Meh.

Starscream: Mental note, never post when drunk again.

(A few months later.)

Susannah: Post in Misc more.

Starscream: Okay, as long as you're still a mod there.

Susannah: I quit.

Starscream: Oh well.

(December 2002)

Castek: I'm going to bring TrekBBS down for a week!

Starscream: No, don't!

Castek: Too late!

*Starscream doesn't do anything for four months*

(April 2003)

*posts this thread*


But that doesn't tell the whole story! No, some of my events have changed the face of the board so greatly that I have to go into more detail. I present to you the top five Starscream moments of all time.

5) CaptainWacky Rates The Mods - Featuring such classic comments as "AlexR: Does he even exist?" It is no coincidence that most of the mods given an F have since been removed from the staff. Now the cynics amongs you may be thinking that, as it's been about 20 months since my staff reviews, all those mods would have probably quit in that time anyway. I'm sure that's what Christian wants you to think, but in truth he had to stagger the firings so that nobody would suspect that I was directly responsible for them. But I was. So there.

4) CaptainWacky confesses to being Starscream - The board was in turmoil at the time. RobL, Tamek and Barcode had just banned Daystrom and everyone was all angry and depressed and stuff. But then I made my confession and everyone was united by their love for me.

3) CaptainWacky suggests changing the "jump to" menu to "beam to" - Some guy named YearOfHell will try and take credit for it, but it was really me. Sadly, the Beam To menu is no more, as restoring it under the new software would apparently require a massive hack or something.

2) Starscream saves the board - In December 2002, the board went down for a week. The official story (and the one I repeated in my play) is that Castek brought it down. However, in truth, Christian brought it down himself. You see, Christian managed to see an early preview of Nemesis and was so disgusted by it that he vowed to never associate himself with Star Trek again and deleted the board. He refused to even talk to Lisa after she told him she "quite liked Janeway's cameo" and it was up to me to save the day, as usual. I called Christian and told him there was a party at my place and everyone was invited. I then called Lisa and gave her the exact same message. In truth, I had only invited the two of them. I locked them in a room together and told them I wouldn't let them out until they'd talked about the TrekBBS situation. After 18 hours of heated debate, Christian agreed to let Lisa take over the board and I allowed them to go home. Much like when Gowron tried to remove Picard's part in the Klingon civil war from the history books, Christian refuses to give me any credit for this amazing act. But you all know the truth now!

And, of course...

1) CaptainWacky's "Is it okay to pleasure yourself while thinking about 15 year old welsh singer Charlotte Church" thread in TNZ - I changed the title just there because I'm not sure if we're allowed to say "masturbate" in Misc. This thread got a record breaking nine thousand replies. The general consensus was "maybe", by the way.

That abut does it. All that remains now is to thank Kitty, Susannah, Duke, Jethro, Bobby, Castek, Decker, LizardLaugh, and probably some others. You are only partly responsible for my continued presence here, in some way. Obviously only in a very small part, since I am 99% responsible for my own excellence, but thanks anyway!

I hope the next three years will be just as much fun! If not MORE fun!!!!!!!1

DISCLAIMER: Some of the above may not be true. I may not be taking this anniversary as seriously as you may think I'm taking it. Standard smilies to avoid flaming/trolling warnings:
Let's make sure history never forgets the name Big Matty.
Troll Kingdom
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