ARCHER: Hello, I was the first Earth captain to travel through space and make first contact.
SISKO: Hello, I lead the Federation to victory in the Dominion War, knocked Q on his ass, and became a god to the people of Bajor.
JANEWAY: Hello, I got my crew stranded in the Delta Quadrant, but I made up for it by kicking the Borg's ass.
PICARD: Hello, I have saved numerous worlds, sufficiently annoyed the hell out of Q, defeated the Borg after the battle of Wolf 395, all the while being an officer and a gentlemen.
KIRK: Hello, my name is Kirk, James Kirk. I defeated the god Apollo, I have shagged every hot babe this side of the galaxy. I have personally spread the human seed to every M class planet, except the ones where the women were really really ugly.