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Old August 3 2012, 10:12 PM   #9
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Re: Total Recall - Reviews, Grading, and duiscussions, SPOILERS

I'm giving it a B.

My usual staccato review:

-Kate Beckinsale is much sexier and more entertaining as a psycho bitch secret agent than she is as Kate, The Undead Werewolf Slayer.

-Speaking of more entertaining, sorry Colin and Kate, but Sharon Stone fighting Ah-nuld is much more entertaining than you guys fighting. There's nothing funnier and more awesome than having some petite blond beating the snot out of Conan The Barbarian, and there's also nothing better for making that petite blond look truly bad-ass. You guys, well...if Colin had gynecomastia you'd essentially have the same build.

-Speaking of Colin and Kate, Kate was rocking her American accent better than Colin, who spoke it like he just learned it for this movie, which I know couldn't possibly be true. Too bad she had to dump it when the action started...although it probably made it all the more WTF from Doug's perspective to hear his wife suddenly hurling The Queen's English at him.

-Once again, brother don't make it to the end of the movie. Peace, Bokeem.

-I gotta say, I'm impressed with Bryan Cranston's versatility. The first time I ever saw him was in Malcolm in The Middle and every time I see him in something else he proves he's left that part deep in the past.

-I'm calling bullshit on "The Fall." (Ooh, ahh, "The Fall enslaves us!" ) Unless the atmosphere is too thin to support aircraft and the oceans are filled with sulfuric acid there's no way in hell "The Fall" is "the only way" to get from one part of this world to the other, especially when you consider digging a tunnel through the Earth big enough to sink a subway car the size of the Citibank building into it could not possibly be cheaper and easier than just designing and building more robust ships and planes. "But A2," you say - come on, I know you're saying it - "all science fiction has some BS in it." True, but you're not supposed erect a metaphorical neon sign pointing to it that says "This is Utter Bullshit! We only did it 'cause we thought it looked cool!"

And if you do, it should actually look cool, not just stupid.
"Understand, Commander: That torpedo did not self-destruct. You heard it hit the hull, and I was never here."

-Admiral James Greer
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