[Deranged Nasat]

I'm once again unemployed and bored, so I decided to expand on the humorous novel summaries introduced in another thread a few months back (I forget which). I started with the end of DS9 and covered most of the stories relevant to the ongoing narrative. Everything's behind spoiler tags, because many of them do kind of give away important plot points...

In which Garak pens an elaborate fan fiction and posts it on the internet, reveals his life story, or some combination of the two. Having satisfied his urge to confuse people, he goes back to planting flowers.

In which Martok studies human culture in hopes of kicking off his reign with a real epic. He confuses King Arthur with Star Wars, and re-enacts the Battle of Hoth and the Battle of Camlann at the same time.

In which Worf gets roped into saving the polar bears, but can’t really be bothered. He crowns a whiny engineer “Emperor of the Polar Bears” and calls it a day.

In which several Jem’Hadar refuse to admit it’s over and plough on regardless, while the Deep Space Nine series essentially does the same thing. Kira is kicked out of the Bajoran religion for praying in church.

In which Bashir finally meets a real Bond Villain - one who wants to re-enact the plot of Moonraker, for reasons known only to himself. Ro recruits monkey cannon fodder to help bring him down, while Vaughn reveals he stole a holoship from Insurrection, continuing his attempt to tie himself to any and all events in Star Trek history.

In which many things happen, some, if not most of them, relating not at all to Taran’atar fighting Hirogen.

In which every Star Trek crew and their supporting casts are almost outwitted by a box.

In which Shar runs away to sea to escape disappointed family members, and Vaughn decides to do the same - only to then remember that his daughter’s already assigned to the same ship. Vaughn dumps Prynn and Shar on a desolate world out of general spite, but has to go and retrieve them when the plot punishes him with a flashback montage; this being Vaughn, it covers practically every event since 2280.

In which Vaughn tries to leave Shar behind again, this time with Dax, but once more has to go back for them when Dax starts a revolutionary war after speaking out at the dinner table. In the alpha quadrant, Cardassia cleans out its attic and tries to foist what it finds on the Bajorans; fortunately, the Bajorans mistake it for sensitive diplomacy.

In which the Klingons kick off their own series by playing “capture the flag” and building dainty sailboats. Through the rigours of the tiddlywink competition, they teach us the true test of the warrior.

In which Julian Bashir visits a space-cathedral and loses his medical competence behind the pew cushions. Ezri loses Dax, while Nog finds a spare leg. The local priests help return the missing items but confiscate the leg. Meanwhile, tragedy strikes when the Trill delegation finds an unguarded weapons locker and begin playing with the contents. Later claims that the First Minister was actually an alien monster impress no-one.

In which Vaughn finally tracks down his wife and kills her. Back on Deep Space Nine, the crew realize that TNG season one has infiltrated the station, and declare quarantine.

In which Klag, on a mission to conquer new worlds, decides to impede efforts to conquer a new world. For the honour of the Klingon Empire, he fights the Klingon Empire and banishes it from the planet forever. The treacherous natives then backstab him and willingly join the empire, fulfilling his original mission. Martok, mistaking this for an elaborate farce, applauds all involved.

In which Jake Sisko finds the courage to claw his way back to relevance, and becomes a pirate. He plunders several lost treasures, but to his frustration all of them natter on beatifically about the Prophets. Resigned to his status as a pawn, he goes home.

In which Sisko tricks the Prophets into opening the back door to let in some air, then makes a run for it. The Prophets can’t chase after him because as soon as the door’s open Kira releases insectoid vermin into the Temple, forcing them to deal with the infestation. The plan works perfectly.

In which the Klingons send shockwaves through xenosociological circles by discovering a race with a political system even more frinxed up than theirs. Being Klingons, they celebrate by destroying it.

In which Vedek Yevir befriends a suicide bomber. The Andorians up the stakes by abducting their own Councillor.

In which the Trills realize symbionts are yucky and get rid of them, then remember that this reduces them to simply being spotted humans, so they save the last few and look sheepish. Meanwhile, Jake makes another attempt at self-determination and swiftly acquires a wife. To his annoyance, this gets overshadowed by characters from The Storyteller.

In which B’Oraq pushes for healthcare reform, by suggesting they implement some form of healthcare. Martok, upon hearing that the previous regime spent the medical budget on booze and cockfighting, decides she might be onto something. Meanwhile, Toq commits the cardinal mistake of all protagonists and goes home, thus dooming anyone still living there to a horrible death. Wol and the Fifteenth visit a farm so Goran can sow some oats.

In which the Ferengi buy the plot from the Cardassia story, add their own modifications, and sell it back for substantial profit, thus proving their business acumen. Meanwhile, the Founders teach Odo a lesson by rejecting the Link themselves while leaving him on the homeworld to fret.

In which Taran’atar, having suffered a breakdown in the last book, makes a break for it before the series does anything else to him. The plot is cunning, though, and has Prynn dragged along with him, meaning suffering for her and Vaughn as well. Eager to expand on the pain, the novel brings the Mirror Universe into play.

In which, contrary to Niner expectations, the phenomenon of “Kira overdose” is shown to be plausible. Iliana Ghemor decides she’s the rightful Kira Nerys, because being the only one who’s actually Iliana Ghemor is the perfect criterion for judging which of you is Kira.

In which Iliana Ghemor comes to her senses and realizes that, actually, she’s the fabled leader of a militant religious cult on the other side of the galaxy, NOT Kira Nerys.

In which Cardassia plays kotra with itself, and loses. On the other hand, Rugal eventually decides Cardassia is "okay at times". The Laws of Narrative consider this for a bit, then decide it’s good enough for them and destroy Cardassia for maximum angst.

Insects on abandoned ships / Sabotaged computer chips / Crashing friends from up above / From interphasic space with love / Gomez fought a monster shii / People at an outpost die / Farmers fight a basket case / Who let monkeys into space? / Artists play computer games / Some old friends are not the same / Landru is a communist / Real Evora hissy-fit / More eugenics, guilty-free / Scotty teaches history / Giant holographic ship / war is full of death and shit / DAVID MACK WILL KILL US ALL / Corsi learns to cry and bawl / Carol does the astral dance / Pillbugs Vs walking plants / lots of family and friends / (what, you mean that’s not the end?) / Baubles will destroy the earth / Venus tries out childbirth / Big-ears muck about in time / This here train has jumped the line / Black hole diving, snakes alive / There’s a ring around the sky / Otter men on Noah’s Ark / Mass destruction’s not a lark / Failed probes that go to war / (what’s that, readers, you want more?)/ Ships that run on nought but luck / Risa going arse-side up / Gorn that stand the test of time / (Stopping now would be a crime!) / Portlyn tries to close the deal / Strata on a spinning wheel! / Jewish-Klingon wedding rocks! / There’s a planet in a box! / Crazy Vorta are the worst / Now another universe! / Gomez nuts as squirrel poo / Crazy Vorta number two! / Corsi dates a murderer / Lense brings something back with her / Irishmen and clones as twins / Pacifistic beaver-things / Gender-shifting aliens / Miradorn are frying brains / Gold goes jumping down a mine / Scotty stories get in line / How to crack the wartime codes / (Further stories? We’ve got loads!) / Vanguard coming online soon / Bynars find a crazy room / Gomez ponders her career / Turn the series on its ear / Now we’re up to Deep Space Ten? / Borg, you’re crashing ships again / Portlyn doesn’t play it fair / Cities flying through the air / Relatives come back or die / Memories of times gone by / Pretty sure that’s all of them? / Never speak of this again.

In which Spock realises that every time he makes progress on reunification, the writers send him another Vulcanoid offshoot to deal with. Now up to four, he decides he’s had enough and tries to get to the bottom of things by consulting history. Discovering that the same guy broke the Vulcanoid race into smaller and smaller chunks every time he or his family did something, Spock curses the man and banishes his katra to the desert wastes.

In which any Voyager crewman with a genuine claim to character development is thrown in prison for the presumption. B’Elanna, fearing she might be next, runs away and compounds the error by committing matricide. Janeway, knowing Kim and Chakotay are fine, enlists their aid in an epic struggle to enforce a status quo despite everything.

In which Chakotay’s imaginary friend comes to life and beats the frinx out of Odo’s crippled cousin.

In which the Travellers haze Wesley by making him think everyone’s going to die and telling him if he helps they’ll throw him out. Presumably they all laugh heartedly as he desperately tries to cope by making Christmas Carol references and stalking Admiral Nechayev. Feather boas join the Federation only to go out of style again.

In which Enterprise receives an old TV broadcast by an honest-looking fellow and heads out to see his low, low prices, only to find that the planet which made the broadcast exploded centuries ago and it’s just some asteroids now. There are plans for a revival, but corporate sabotage from a rival company threatens to undermine this. Picard protects his new investment by bringing down the rival corporation.

In which Riker’s dad reminds people of The Icarus Factor, and global riots commence. Beverly Crusher gets them all addicted to her home-brewed vapours and patents it as a cure, making millions.

In which David Mack pulled a "Teatime from Discworld" and went all metaphysical in his bloodlust, knifing not people or planets but concepts such as the Federation's idealism and the integrity of the Presidential office.

In which Klingon terrorists wander in through the kitchen and decide to take over the Federation embassy. Worf realizes the embassy is attracting too much serious attention, so he makes Alexander the new ambassador. Elsewhere, Bacco wins the election by virtue of being the author’s grandmother.

In which Picard risks the lives of Stargazer crewmen to rescue an Enterprise crewman, thus proving who’s more important. Meanwhile, Sela, having previously been reassigned to Space-Antarctica, returns to the story when Space-Antarctic plague breaks out. Dr. Greyhorse is forgiven for murder, so Picard is finally free to fully trust doctors again, and moves in with Beverly Crusher.

In which Riker and Troi get a dinosaur and let it loose on their new ship. Also, Romulus is saved from disaster, meaning all who live upon it can now enjoy long and meaningful lives without fear of catastrophe.

In which Titan heads down the rabbit hole to retrieve Earth’s stolen property. Holy Vangar’ is successfully recaptured and the Neyel threat is eliminated. Medals are given all-round. Also, Akaar forgives Tuvok for saving his life, the bastard.

In which we watch several episodes of President Bacco’s Fun-Time Variety Hour. Much threatening to beat people with podiums ensues. Also, Cort Enaran lampshades Godwins’ Law and the Federation butchers a baby Tzenkethi in revenge for the Tzenkethi War. While they’re distracted, Donatra steals half the Romulan Empire and refuses to give it back. These are wacky hours indeed!

In which the Borg experiment with such advanced tactics as “moving your legs at a rate greater than once per minute” and “not letting enemy troops wander around unchallenged”. Picard decides to become Locutus again, because plot.

In which Riker joins Greenpeace and tries to save the whales, but is told by the whalers that if you don’t kill whales, you won’t be able to convert them into killer submarines and kill sharks, and if you don’t kill sharks they’ll eat everyone who goes near the water, and then the resort business will be ruined. Riker suggests they ask the whales to help rather than turn them into submarines. The whalers sulk for a bit, then pretend they like the idea.

In which Picard and Worf pull the plug on the universe and desperately try to put it back in again. Rather than admit that they screwed up, they tell Admiral Janeway it was their imaginary friend Q, knowing that she believes in him too. This “Q” gets the blame and Picard’s career is saved.

In which Titan spends a thousand years screwing with some bugs, using a big magnifying glass in the sky to periodically burn them. The most spiritual crewman tries to stop the slaughter by organizing a new bug regime under his guidance, but his colleague dumps him back in time. He pulls a Valen and organizes anyway.

In which the Borg eat Pluto and Starfleet admirals take bets on the end of the world, while Seven pilots a Planet Killer and Borg ships fly out of stars. This is actually not a joke. Also, Janeway dies. With her dies the peace of the Trek BBS and all hope for reason.

In which the Enterprise tries to chase down the Borg but instead gets lost in the Japanese theatre and then assaulted by digimon. Beverly wants a baby but Jean-Luc argues “if I agree there’ll be a trilogy of epic books in which the Borg threaten to destroy everything I hold dear. So I can’t”. But he gives in, and so everyone on Barolia dies. Also, Enterprise introduces an eldritch abomination to the concept of expansion and reproduction, and sets it loose on the galaxy.

In which Erika Hernandez skips the Romulan War by hiding with a cult of pacifist space elves, but gets in trouble when her crew double-flush the toilet and destroy space elf civilization. Many years later, the Borg come up through the piping and out of the toilet bowl, leading to an infestation.

In which Erika Hernandez converts to the Space Elf Cult and tries to convert the Titan crew too. Troi’s dinosaur, unable to handle the mandatory vegetarianism, tries to eat Troi within days. Hernandez has a crisis of faith and locks herself in the bathroom, while Picard has a far more general crisis and starts channelling Marvin the Paranoid Android.

In which the Borg read their copy of Star Trek Star Charts and then decide a second edition is required. Much Desolation of Deneva, Ruination of Risa, and Conflagration of Coridan ensues. Hernandez crowns herself queen and initiates Instrumentality, the Borg get hugged and turn to Tang. The galaxy is saved, and readers start searching the floor for their jaws.

In which a country musician wanders in out of the rain and sits in with the President’s staff for a bit, then offers to go talk to the Romulans. Thinking he’s one of their diplomats, the President agrees. All of the second-rate aliens get bored of being underused and so join the Romulans in forming a new club that’s better than the stupid old Federation. Tezrene, master manipulator that she is, manages to make a Zaldan act rudely. Bacco gets mad, but Tezrene says, “LOL. Plausible Deniability”, and then scuttles off sniggering. The musician goes back to work happy.

In which the Federation, aghast at these dirty refugees trailing mud over the carpet and asking if please may they have some more, banishes them all to the beach. This backfires when concerned politicians realize their personal sunning spots are getting dangerously overcrowded, and appeal for aid. The Federation quickly declares that the poor are people too, and the governor’s beach is saved.

In which Voyager is banished back to the Delta Quadrant after Chakotay goes nuts and screams shrilly at people. B’Elanna refuses to go and so fakes her own death to get out of it. Dr. House joins the crew instead.

In which Lavena considers kidnapping the captain and going to live with him under the sea, but can’t when Titan collapses the ecosystem. Tormenting bugs grew boring, so now they’re after the whales. Meanwhile, the dinosaur joke starts getting old when the creature gets loose and rampages through a hospital, dragging Troi along with it.