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Old March 15 2012, 09:52 PM   #13
Re: Star Trek: Audacity Part 1

This is what you wrote:

Starfleet Command was mixed of dozens of members of the Federation, and Alvin Ramirez only knew two: Alexander Stuart and Betsy Hicks. Alvin could see them both seated as he entered the hall. Admiral D.K. Wells stood and eyed the Captain.

Lia Frost clicked a few buttons and said, “This is the USS Rogue ready for departure, over.”

“Once we’re out, maximum warp to...Deep Space Nine”, Alvin said.

“Sir”, Ensign Frost said quietly, “we will be approaching Deep Space Nine in exactly 5.3 minutes.”

Now, all of that is in the first post. DS9 is in the Bajorian system, hence Earth to DS9 will take as long as Earth to Bajor. Bajor is weeks, if not months, from Earth even at maximum warp. How long exactly? I don't know if it was ever said in canon, but it definately not 5.3 minutes.

Another question, Sorcery: why doesn't he (the Captain, Alvin) tell the crew that he is going to Borg space--he has permission to do just that. And he was told to get volunteers. So why does he lie to his crew and get them onboard under false pretenses? Why does he belittle his own ship in front of the crew?

When he tells his XO, 'then you are relieved and you can leave my ship,' she should have left. The entire crew should have left because this wasn't what they volunteered for. Does Alvin have mental problems? Because that is exactly how he is coming across.

Take his hostility at the human/Q hybrid; he is adamant about her leaving his ship. But someone says she can be useful and he GROVELS in apology. Take a break from writing, and go back and look at Kirk, Picard, Sisko, and (shudder) Janeway. Those are Starfleet Captains; Alvin isn't. Not from what I have read.

The lunatic you have running USS Rogue would have an empty ship at the first stop as the 'volunteer' crew exits en masse and reports the Captain to Starfleet.

Like I said the premise is good, but you need a lot of work on telling the story and making the characters come to life. Sorry, but that is the way I see it.

Master Arminas
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