Thread: Intolerance
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Old March 12 2012, 06:45 PM   #9
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Re: Intolerance

Okay, you lost me a couple times in this stretch. First was when you were introducing all the new characters. You weren't clear enough, and clarity is important if you're bringing on important OCs. Pamela's the blonde, right? My first real clue to that was when I read the poem.

Also, at the dinner in Archer's dining room when they were talking about parties, T'Pol addressed - I think - Phlox, but it wasn't indicated, so it actually seemed like Archer was still talking, but the line didn't sound like anything Archer would say.

One more thing: Any organic material contained in a comet would most likely trapped in the core and not even be detectable until the comet impacted on a larger body. Even if there are trace elements in the comet's surface ice you'd have to wait for the comet to develop a tail...the problem is they're detecting this comet in deep space, and one of them said they weren't near any stars. Comets don't break up and develop tails until they're headed toward a sun. No stars, no tail.

Still, you're building up an interesting little romance here, so keep going.
"Understand, Commander: That torpedo did not self-destruct. You heard it hit the hull, and I was never here."

-Admiral James Greer
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