And I stand by Worf's assessment in the story -- however tempted Picard might be to let his passions guide him, the very fact that he was aware of that impulse and skeptical of it proved that he was still a man who could be trusted to make the right choice.
Fair enough. I stand by my point, but that scene with Worf does
kind of save it. I had kind of forgotten about that while I was writing my post
Still, that scene only briefly touches on a point that, while interesting, might have benefited from a more in-depth exploration of the theme. I realize that's not really your fault. You were contracted to write a story of X length, not a much longer tale that might have done a more thorough job with the idea.
I actually felt the same way at first, and my outline had Picard arguing with a Starfleet Admiral who was pushing for intervention while Picard urged caution. But my editor convinced me it would be a better character beat if Picard were the one tempted to rash action by his familial attachments.
Your original idea is far more interesting to me. Picard's arguing for caution in direct opposition to his own personal interests. Jean-Luc's always found that doing the right thing is not easy. That's where a lot of the Prime Directive stories from TNG came from, dramatically speaking. But has he ever had his duty conflict so directly with something so important to him? I guess "Lessons" is the closest we get to that off the top of my head, but it's obviously not in the same league.
So there's some serious dramatic conflict and something new for Picard that had the potential to be at least as good as what was on the page. And it is arguably more traditionally in line with Picard's character, to boot.
I find myself respectfully disagreeing with your editor.