As I like all other aspects of the movie I don't belong into the ST09 basher faction. It's not a double standard, these few scenes simply made me feel uneasy. If you can thoroughly enjoy the movie that's great.
About your examples, the key difference to "Tapestry" is that Picard learned from his experience with the nice dialectic twist that he had to go through it to, to the edge of life and death to understand his foolishness. Kirk on the other hand is basically rewarded by Pike for brawling and encouraged to continue along his path. You are the writer so tell me, in a conventional Bildungsroman aka coming-of-age story (last one I read was Auster's "Moon Palace") the protagonist goes through some experiences that significantly change him such that he is a real adult at the end of the story, doesn't he?
Or take the cadet with whom Kirk brawled and who later arrested Kirk in engineering seemed to have held a grudge over years ... just because he does not like a farm boy in his exclusive club?
From a narrative standpoint, I don't see Kirk being rewarded for brawling. I see it as the point where Kirk hits rock bottom and realizes that he wants to do more with his life. Pike wasn't saying, "Wow, you kick ass. You should be a Starfleet captain." Pike was saying "You're better than this and I'm going to give you a chance to prove it."
As for that other cadet . . . well there are always going to be jerks in any organization, even Starfleet. Remember Ben Finney? Now that
was holding a grudge!
And Finnegan and Captain Styles and the racist guy in "Balance of Terror. Nobody ever said that everybody in Starfleet is perfect and gets along perfectly with everybody else.
Remember all the squabbling among "The Galileo Seven"?