For the teaser, I'd chop it off at "We need Starfleet!" Duh! Duh! DUHHHH!!
This story seems to have the germ of good concept, namely an interstellar Halliburton gone bad, but it needs some more tweaking in the area of why this mining operation is so important that Starfleet needs to investigate and what the director of this operation is trying to cover up, and why. And, of course, why the amphibian natives are doing what they're doing. Think Avatar on a smaller scale, without having to have someone going native. It doesn't have to turn into "Dances With Frogs".
The mining operation needs its own security force, and, in this case, it needs to be somewhat inadequate for the challenge before it. They'd also serve as a very obvious obstacle to keep Garrovick from getting to the bottom of the mess.