On a cruise ship, a magician has a regular gig. Everybody loves the show, including the captain, who goes to the show every night. Unfortunately, the captain has a parrot, and the parrot speaks English and gives everything away ("Aawk, he's putting it up his sleeve!" "It's in his hat!" "He's got it under the table", etc.). So the magician and the bird, obviously, do not get along. Eventually the magician gets so frustrated with the bird that he takes out a pistol and shoots at it, but it misses the bird and hits a propane tank instead, thus exploding the boat into a billion pieces.
The only survivors are the magician and the bird. They're out there floating in the ocean and the bird says:
"All right, I give up, where's the damn ship?"
There's these two guys taking flying lessons. One of them says to the other one that their instructor is an 8th-degree black belt and is hitting on him, and unless the guy submits to the instructor's sexual advances he'll have to jump out of the plane.
"So, did you jump?" the guy's friend says.
"Yeah, a little at first."