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Old August 23 2010, 03:00 AM   #69
DevilEyes
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Re: Star Trek: Shaping a Cardassian

Gul Re'jal, I've really enjoyed your story! You write very convincingly from a Cardassian's point of view, and I like the way your main character is sympathetic but not perfect – she has many good traits, but also a lot of prejudice (which she will hopefully move past – she seems to be on the right path). The characterizations of Dukat and Damar are spot on.

“They became Bajorans of the Dominion.” Well said!

Gul Re'jal wrote: View Post
There were those two places, where Jarol was recalling things from past, which had already happened. Corak's case, when she talked to Dukat and Brenok's arrival to Roumar after she talked to Corak. Both those things happened prior to described events, so "in theory" (which I have to follow as I understand it, as I have no instinct) those events should be in Past Perfect Tense. But they sounded so weird in Past Perfect, so I left them in Past Simple. I probably did it all wrong, but well... maybe some day I'll learn
No, I don’t think you should use Past Perfect. I’ve never seen people use a lot of Past Perfect in a narrative. Past Simple makes for a much better style. If it’s in the same sentence, then, yes: “She remembered when he had first come to the ship” but then you should continue in Past Simple. “He was…” etc. instead of “He had been…”

Your use of tenses is good - the only thing I'd change is your use of Continuous instead of Simple Present or the other way round in one or two cases, or your use of the Present Participle/Gerund instead of Infinitive in some places... I'd have to look over the text again to remind myself where exactly it was...

As for errors I think you need to correct: "despise" is not a noun, you have to use "contempt" instead. Also, there's a serious spelling error in this sentence:

"Her long conversations with her husband thought her..." It should be "taught" - the Past Tense of "teach" ("thought" is the Past Tense of "think").

Also, these may be typos, but they make sentences grammatically incorrect:

“Our customs don't allow aliens view our dead” – "Our customs don't allow aliens to view our dead"
"She didn't want her best friend and her bondmate “sir” each other forever.- "She didn't want her best friend and her bondmate to "sir" each other forever."
“I don't care they can see us” - “I don't care if they can see us”

If you have a good spelling/grammar checker, you could use it... Of course, you'll have to ignore it whenever it shows words like "Cardassian" or proper names as incorrect...
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