You're doing very well so far.
The one grammar area I am noticing is that you don't distinguish between the "normal" verb tenses and the progressive tenses ("going," "doing," "saying"). If you would like me to, I can find a good explanation and link it here for you. I'm not sure if I could do a good job explaining it myself, so I'll see if I can find a good one for you, if you're interested.
As to the story itself, I really am liking it!