About the simplistic dialogue--one thing that is evident in every Star Wars film is that when the really dramatic scenes appear, the dialogue becomes very simplistic, and in some ways even clichéd. In a more flattering sense, it is very archetypal, because Lucas was trying to call on that very basic archetype of the hero's journey.
So, while I normally would have found the dialogue cheesy during the death scene, there is an appropriate context...I can easily see Lucasfilm writing and shooting a movie of this story exactly the way you wrote it. And that, in the end, is a good thing.
(BTW, you'll want to use "multiquote" to reply to more than one person. The mods tend to see 3 posts in a row as "spamming.")