"I knew it! I'm surrounded by Assholes!"
Once on a family trip, my sister asked me why I brought my hair dryer from home when hotels usually have them in the rooms. I replied- "That is my industrial strength hair dryer. AND I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT IT!"
"Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit smoking (or drinking, amphetamines, sniffing glue)!"
"Don't call me Shirley."
"I speak Jive." Yeah, I really managed to work that one into a conversation. Can't remember what was going on then, but everyone got the quote instantly!
I've used "yeah, and monkeys might fly out of my butt" before, too.