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Old December 11 2009, 03:16 AM   #65
Rush Limborg
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Re: Star Trek: A Rendezvous With Destiny--A Tale of Captain Ezri Dax

Thank you both, very much--and welcome aboard, jonnycarnahan!

Now...this next scene is a good stopping point for this week, I think. Here, we have Ezri's thoughts on what just happened....

BTW, the paragraph mentioning Joran is a reference to my previous tale, "Of Power And Passion". Again, it isn't neccessary to have read it, but if you have, it does have some nice info, which should help deepen one's understanding of what Ezri's going through.

Okay, here we go.

Star Trek: Aventine
A Rendezvous With Destiny
Scene 15

Ezri kept her eyes on the screen—even though there wasn’t really much to look at. Somehow…she could not bring herself to look at Spock again. She knew, from what had happened…that she had revealed too much. But…why was it too much? Why couldn’t she face those memories? Why had she…panicked?

I’m a starship captain… I can’t allow myself to break down like that…I just can’t.

But…she had. Despite herself, she remembered something Garak had said, when his claustrophobia had been cured—when they had both discovered it had been driven by guilt over having, in his mind, betrayed Cardassia—an intense guilt which had driven him mad….

“I was…convinced it was the right thing to do. I didn’t allow myself to doubt it—even for an instant. I never realized…how much it was…gnawing at me.”

That’s it, isn’t it? I knew Spock’s having me face those memories would hurt—but…I’d thought I had been prepared to face them…. After all, hadn’t it been just a month or so ago…that she had, subconsciously, conjured up Joran in her thoughts, without realizing it—and hadn’t that ordeal of his made her face her mistake, once and for all?

But…I just didn’t realize how deep it went…did I? And now…heaven knows what I did to Spock’s mind. I hope I didn’t do anything to hurt him. I…what was I thinking?

Unbidden, the inevitable response filled her mind: You’re a Dax. Sometimes, you don’t think. Sometimes….

She forced it out of her mind. This is no time for self-pity. You have a job to do.

But the question was…could she do it?

Ezri’s inner struggle temporarily vanished, as the sudden feeling hit her…that Spock was staring at her.

She stole a glance. Spock, to his credit, held his stare.

Ezri’s gaze fell. “Spock…I’m sorry.”

“There is no reason for you to apologize. It was I who clearly pushed you too far.”

“But—if…if I hurt you…I-I mean…I heard that if a mindmeld goes wrong, it could—”

Ezri…I assure you, there is nothing to warrant an apology. I am not injured in any way. I am…sufficiently adept at melding so that any possible injury from such instances would inflict no damage whatsoever.”

Ezri looked up. Spock continued.

“The question, however, is…are you injured?”

She blinked. “You just said…”

Spock’s features softened. “I was…referring to…any injuries you had already possessed.”

Ezri hesitated for a moment…and sighed. “I don’t know.”

But the counselor inside her told her…that her answer came too quick. Cut it out, Ezri…you do know…don’t you? This is an injury…and you have to treat it. Don’t you realize that?

She quickly turned back to the screen, brushing the feeling aside. This was not the time to talk to him about this. It was a private matter. In fact, it was best that she broke off the meld, wasn’t it? So she wouldn’t have to—

Another voice came to her thoughts. Of all things…it was the voice of her mother.

“Ezri…you always were too proud for your own good….

Stiffening at the memory, Ezri announced, “We’ll be crossing the border tomorrow…we’d better get ready for that.”

Though she knew that Spock was still staring at her, she resolved not to return the look.

Ezri…he can help you! How long do you expect to put off facing this?

The worst part was…she had no answer.

* * *
"The saying implies but does not name the effective agency of its supposed utopia.... 'Needs and abilities' are, of course, subjective. So the operative statement may be reduced to 'the State shall take, the State shall give'."
--David Mamet
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