A minor update:
I've separated the teardrop, muddled about a bit with the impulse engines, and created a humanoid figure who's about my size, build, and hair color. His name is Adam. Adam and his twin brother, Adam stand on invisible platforms approximating the locations of decks one and two. Adam and Adam are to scale with the ship, and I'll rig one for posing, kill the other in a gruesome fashion, then clone the first as many times as I need to so that he and his relatives can show us various parts of the Needle in human-scale terms.