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Old November 20 2009, 10:13 AM   #1
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Location: The 1980's
Voyager for people who hate Voyager

All you Voyager people should keep in mind that this thread is written to address a specific group of people:

Voyager for people who hate Voyager

If you are a Voyager fan, then you will be unhappy with this thread. Sorry.

Because you're a Trek fan, you've probably already seen an episode of Voyager here and there, and you probably didn't like what you saw. After all, that's why you didn't watch the entire run, right?

Oh, I know there are some of you out there who actually like Voyager (go figure) this guide isn't for you. This guide is for people who:

- Find Neelix to be annoying
- Think Chakotay is a meathead
- Hear chicken clucking whenever Janeway speaks
- fast forward through Seven of Nine and the Doctor's unfortunate bouts with singing

If you find yourself agreeing to those 4 basic tenets, you've come to the right place!

This guide lists episodes in the order of their airing, and not in any order of preference.

So here we go, Star Trek Voyager, with most of the suck removed!

Season 1:

1. Caretaker

This is the pilot, so you're probably stuck watching it either way. It's somewhat entertaining, although you'll probably wonder why Janeway purposefully strands her crew in the Delta Quadrant while violating the prime directive. Oh well! There are explosions!

2. Parallax

Time travel paradox story. Ultimately forgettable, but not atrocious.

3. Time and Again

Reset button episode. No reason to watch it.

4. Phage

Vidiians beam Neelix's lungs out of his body. Ridiculous use of hologram technology here, but the episode isn't horrible. Watchable.

5. The Cloud

The crew fiddles around with a space amoeba. Not bad, not good.. just there. Watchable, but not good.

6. Eye of the Needle

The crew finds a wormhole too small to fly through. One of the best of Season 1. Watchable, mildly interesting.

7. Ex Post Facto

Tom Paris accused of murder. Does anyone in the universe believe he is guilty? Easily skippible. Watchable, but boring.

8. Emanations

Harry Kim's first foray into being Voyager's official "displaced out of reality" guy. Watchable, somewhat entertaining. It's like a mediocre TNG episode. Chakotay gets a little annoying.

9. Prime Factors

Tuvok's illogical behavior is, for the first time, a plot point.. not that this makes it excusable. A completely forgettable episode. Watchable but boring.

10. State of Flux

The beginning of the Chakotay/Seska soap opera drama. This particular episode is alright. Watchable.

11. Heroes and Demons

Holodeck malfunction (the first of MANY). Pass.

12. Cathexis

Chakotay is a ghost. If you're like me, that pretty much seals it into the "pass" category.

13. Faces

Torres gets a lot of stories about her Klingon half vs her human half through out Voyager. This is the best one of them all. Watchable, and interesting.

14. Jetrel

An excellent performan by James Sloyan makes this one watchable, despite being a Neelix episode. This is the Manhattan Project with alien juice hosed on.

15. Learning Curve

It's "Heartbreak Ridge" except without all the stuff that made Heartbreak Ridge good. Pass.

Season Two:

1. The 37's

Apparently aliens love to kidnap humans from Earth and drop them on far flung planets. Heck, it happened to Amelia Earhart! The next thing you know they'll kidnap cowboys! Watchable, but just barely. Easily skippable if needed.

2. Initiations

43 minutes of "Is that Nog? I bet that's Nog. Yeah, it's got to be Nog." For the record it IS, in fact. Nog. Unfortunately, the episode is a complete pass.

3. Projections

Holodeck malfunction. pass.

4. Elogium

Kes and Neelix may or may not have a baby. No redeeming quality here. Pass.

5. Non Sequitur

Harry Kim is (again) shunted to an alternate reality. This episode is pretty good except for Tom Paris' completely nonsense handheld "personal transporter". He might as well have a wormhole belt. Watchable, interesting.

6. Twisted

Voyager get's so distorted, it's as if the set crew moved the sets around! Watchable, but boring.

7. Parturition

Paris and Neelix fight over Kes. As if that weren't bad enough, they also find a baby. Unfit for human consumption, avoid at all costs.

8. Persistence of Vision

Holodeck Malfunction. Reset Button. Pass.

9. Tattoo

Chakotay episode. Indian mysticism. Megapass.

10. Cold Fire

Kes episode. End of the Caretaker story. Watchable, but just barely.

11. Maneuvers

Chakotay/Seska soap opera arc, part 2. This is the one where she impregnates herself. Pass.

12. Resistance

The crew does irrelevant things on an irrelevant planet. Not atrocious, but no reason to watch.

13. Prototype

Robots trick Torres into building more of them. Darn those robots! Watchable, but not terribly interesting.

14. Alliances

Voyager steals an episode of Stargate and replays it almost line for line. Aliens who suck more than the Kazon are revealed. Pass.

15. Threshold

Going faster than warp 10 causes Paris and Janeway to turn into salamanders and have babies together. Absolutely the worst episode of the Star Trek franchise ever produced to date. It's so bad that the guy who wrote it even admitted it was his worst work. It is unfit to be watched by anyone, and may God have mercy on your soul.

16. Meld

The episode that shows why Vulcans shouldn't mind meld with serial killers. Watchable and suprisingly interesting, but you'll solve the "mystery" about 10 minutes in.

17. Dreadnought

An AI controlled cardassian missile is on course to explode a nearby planet, which it has mistaken for it's target. A Torres episode. This episode is actually more than watchable.. in fact, it's almost good.

18. Death Wish

Q is in it. Riker is in it. Beginning of the Q arc. Quinn plotline is mildly interesting. Ultimately unfulfilling, but watchable.

19. Lifesigns

A great one-off Doctor character piece with romance element. Watchable, and pretty good.

20. Investigations

Neelix is the host of a morning talk show.. and then things get worse from there. Part of the Chakotay/Seska soap opera arc. Pass.

21. Deadlock

Duplicate Voyagers occupy the same space. The real Harry Kim dies and is replaced with an alternate from another dimension. Same for Naomi Wildman. Watchable, and somewhat entertaining.

22. Innocence

Tuvok is trapped on a planet. With old people.. who look like children. I think you know where I'm going here: pass.

23. The Thaw

Squiggy from Laverne and Shirley is the most awful clown you could ever possibly imagine. He's actually worse than Neelix. Awful, do not watch.

24. Tuvix

You know how the government is always trying to create super soldiers in the movies? This episode shows you what happens when the transporter combines the annoyance of Neelix with the boredom of Tuvok. The result? The perfectly engineered most annoying character ever created for any Star Trek episode.. ever. This episode is completely awful, and should be locked away for public safety. Just thinking about it gives me the willies, I wish I could unwatch it. There's still hope for you! Avoid at all costs!

25. Resolutions

Janeway and Chakotay spend the entire episode thinking about humping each other, but never do. In Janeway's defense, Chakotay is a meathead. They would make meathead children. You made the right call Chakotay. Pass.

26. Basics, Part 1

Displaying extraordinary incompetance, Voyager is captured by the Kazon and the crew is stranded on a matte painting.. I mean a planet. Part of the Chakotay/Seska arc. Just barely watchable, and it's a season finale 2 parter, so if that adds weight for you, so be it.

Season 3:

1. Basics, Part 2

Last appearance of the Kazon (yay!). End of the Chakotay/Seska Soap Opera (yay!). Death of Seska (yay!). Interesting performance with Suder the serial killer. In all, not terrible at all. Watchable, and somewhat entertaining.

2. Flashback

Sulu is in it. Grace Lee Whitney is in it. Unfortunately, their parts are reset button. Nostalgia factor gives this episode extra points, but the plot is really boring. This was what Voyager came up with for the 40th anniversary. They got completely rolled by DS9's "Trials and Tribble-ations". Watchable, but boring.

3. The Chute

Harry Kim and Paris are trapped in an alien prison. Will they escape before the episode ends? If you said no, you obviously haven't seen any Voyager before. Pass.

4. The Swarm

First appearance of Lewis Zimmerman. Watchable, but nothing special.

5. False Profits

Kudos for pulling from a (superior) episode of TNG. Wacky Ferengi antics. Janeway loses yet another chance to get home. Watchable, somewhat boring.

6. Remember

Torres relives an old woman's life through psychic dreams that are boring and uninteresting. Pass.

7. Sacred Ground

Janeway goes through mystic nonsense trials to save Kes. Pass.

8. Future's End

2 part episode with the Voyager crew on 1996 Earth. Though the plot is fatally flawed (the guy with a time machine yells "NO TIME!") it is mildly amusing to see the crew interact with "modern" Earth. Watchable.

9. Warlord

Kes is taken over by a Warlord, and screams at people in her high pitched woman voice from her 5 foot tall waif body.. Awful. Do not watch.

10. The Q and the Grey

Q and Q make a baby. The Q Continuum is displayed as US Civil War era America. Watchable, but meh.

11. Macrocosm

You should only watch this episode if you have no knowledge of physics or virusses, because this episode is completely ridiculous. I hesitate to call it "watchable" but you could probably watch it without turning it off in disgust. It's on the border.

12. Fair Trade

A Neelix episode. Does it really matter what happens? Pass.

13. Alter Ego

A girl alien stalks Tuvok. Holodeck malfunction. Pass.

14. Coda

A brain-bending hallucination reset button episode with no redeeming qualities. Pass.

15. Blood Fever

B'Elanna Torres is HORNY ENOUGH TO KILL!! Does the idea of a sweaty Torres with heaving bosoms in a starfleet tank top appeal to you? I'll let you make the call on this one. The plot? Well, it was phoned in.

16. Unity

Chakotay episode with Borg in it.. which will be forgotten about by the entire crew next week! Pass.

17. Darkling

A Kes romance episode. Need I say more? Pass.

18. Rise

Neelix and Tuvok trapped in an elevator. Suprisingly, not as atrocious as it sounds. Watchable, but just barely.

19. Favorite Son

Harry Kim has secretly been a Delta Quadrant alien for the entire run of Voyager!! Or maybe.. not. I'll let you guess which one is true. Pass.

20. Before and After

Kes actually does something interesting. You'll be shocked at the prospect of a solid Voyager Time Travel episode. Watchable, interesting.

21. Real Life

The holographic Doctor programs a holographic family that you'll never see again. There might be some drama here if it had an kind of impact on his character in the future. It doesn't. Watchable.

22. Distant Origin

Dinosaurs track down Voyager and kidnap Chakotay. Unfortunately, they return him. Watchable despite Chakotay.

23. Displaced

Aliens use the most ridiculous invasion strategy ever to take over Voyager. It's a good thing the crew is used to ridiculous aliens. Pass.

24. Worst Case Scenario

Holodeck malfunction. Pass.

25. Scorpion

Introduction of species 8472. Beginning of the end for the Borg. Many, many continuity problems. Watchable, but barely. It's a 2 part season ended too, if that matters to you.

Season 4:

1. Scorpion, part 2

Introduction of Seven of Nine. Introduction of Fluidic Space. First of many Borg technobabble plot solutions. Watchable, but annoying.

2. The Gift

Kes leaves the main cast, and is only seen in one more epiosde (yay!). I assume that's what the title refers to. Pass.

3. Day of Honor

Beginning of Paris/Torres romance. Aliens steal the warp core. Pass.

4. Nemesis

Chakotay episode. Pass.

5. Revulsion

Nonsense hologram ethics. Seven wants to hump Kim. Kim is a chicken. Pass.

6. The Raven

The story behind Seven of Nine's assimilation. Not horrible, but awfully convienient. Watchable.

7. Scientific Method

Aliens experiment on the crew.. oddly, they do not use the scientific method to examine the results. Pass.

8. Year of Hell

2 part reset button episode. Mildly entertaining, but ultimately a waste of time. Watchable.

9. Random Thoughts

Telepathic nonsense episode. Pass.

10. Concerning Flight

Aliens steal Voyager's computer and a Leonardo da Vinci hologram. Completely obtuse? yes. Awful? not entirely. Watchable.

11. Mortal Coil

Not just a neelix episode.. a Neelix morality episode. Doublepass.

12. Waking Moments

Telepathic nonsense episode. Pass.

13. Message in a Bottle

The Doctor is sent back to the alpha quadrant and ends up fighting the Romulans. Episode is entertaining despite the prescence of Andy Dick. Multi-Vector-Assault-Mode demonstrates the writer's complete disregard for common sense. Watchable.

14. Hunters

Hirogen. Ugh. Pass.

15. Prey

Hirogen. Ugh. Pass.

16. Retrospect

It's one of those "it's all in your head" episodes. Pass.

17. The Killing Game

Hirogen. Ugh. Pass. Need more? Janeway is a klingon. Ugh.

18. Vis a Vis

It's like an even worse version of Turnabout Intruder. Pass.

19. The Omega Directive

The Omega Directive requires Starfleet personnel to be overdramatic.. i.e. "Oh my God, we have to implement.... THE OMEGA DIRECTIVE!" Watchable, but boring.

20. Unforgettable

Chakotay falls in love with a woman who makes him forget her, but then she wants him to remember, but he can't and in fact, never does.. and then later forgets her again. Watchable if you can tolerate Chakotay romances.

21. Living Witness

Future aliens make a museum about Voyager, but they get all the facts wrong. Good thing the Doctor is part of the exhibit. Watchable.

22. Demon

Alien doppelgangers. Pass.

23. One

The crew needs to go into stasis to pass through some space phenomenon. This is a direct rip of the Wizard of Oz, and Seven is dorothy. Pass.

24. Hope and Fear

The episode starts with an interesting premise, but it turns out that the whole thing is just the world's most complicated ploy to get Voyager assimilated by the Borg. Watchable, but predictable.

Season 5

1. Night

Voyager passes through a starless void, despite that not exactly being quite possible in space. Watchable.

2. Drone

Seven accidentally assimilates the doctor's mobile emitter, which turns into Robocop. The advanced drone blows itself up at the end. Watchable, but useless.

3. Extreme Risk

Torres goes bonkers (a theme that will get more and more boring) the Delta Flyer is created. Pass.

4. In the Flesh

8472 creates the most ridiculous invasion program for Earth, but Voyager finds it and convinces the gardener to call it off. Pass.

5. Once Upon a Time

This episode is home to the abomination which is referred to as "Flotter". It's also home to a continuity error where holodecks existed before they actually existed. Do not view, completely awful.

6. Timeless

Geordi is in it. Janeway dies. Harry Kim gets stuff to do.. this is my kind of episode! Watchable, and mildly entertaining.

7. Infinite Regress

Seven goes bonkers. I think they mislabeled the show, it should have been "infinite lameness". megapass.

8. Nothing Human

I hate it when plastic aliens attach to crewmembers. This is a medical ethics drama about using researched obtained through torture. A for effort, and it's watchable for that reason alone.

9. Thirty Days

Tom Paris disobeys order over an irrelevant space-borne ocean. Preachy. Awful. Do not watch.

10. Counterpoint

Janeway romance. Pass.

11. Latent Image

The Doctor is somehow ethically confused by doing his job as he was programmed to do it. The episode makes no sense, but the mystery portion of it is solid. Watchable.

12. Bride of Chaotica!

Holographic aliens "from the fifth dimension" invade the holodeck. Holodeck malfunction. This works as a send-up to 30's serial sci-fi, but has no place whatsoever in Voyager's continuity. Barely watchable.

13. Gravity

A Tuvok love story episode. Pass.

14. Bliss

Voyager is nearly eaten by a space monster. Pass.

15. Dark Frontier

Borg nonsense and continuity condradiction. Megapass. This is a 2 part sweeps episode.

16. The Disease

Harry Kim gets an alien STD. Seriously, I'm not joking. At least Kim gets to do something. Suprisingly watchable.

17. Course: Oblivion

Reset button, spoiler: It's not even the actual voyager crew you watch. Pass.

18. The Fight

Chakotay episode with indian mystic nonsense. Pass.

19. Think Tank

Jason Alexander attempts a protection racket scheme on Voyager. He fails. Mildly watchable.

20. Juggernaut

Torres gets sweaty on an alien freighter, is naked in a sonic shower. You be the judge, because you're not gonna watch this episode for the plot.

21. Someone to Watch Over Me

Doctor falls in love with Seven. "Hilarity" ensues. Viewers disgusted. Pass.

22. 11:59

Star Trek decides to freak out about Y2K in this completely irrelevant and useless Janeway story. Pass.

23. Relativity

As if "Future's End" needed a sequel, they went ahead and made this show, which stars an entirely different Captain Braxton than the first Captain Braxton. Aside from the screwy time travel "reintegration" nonsense, it's an interesting episode. Watchable.

24. Warhead

Uh oh, someone saw the 1974 movie "Dark Star" and stole the plot. Oops, we noticed. Pass.

25. Equinox

Janeway is shocked to discover that a Starfleet captain even more incompetant than she is is in the Delta Quadrant! Somewhat interesting. Watchable. This is a 2 part finale.
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