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Old September 21 2009, 10:46 PM   #31
Timby
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Re: Cooking Abomination!! XD

I've had some pretty amazing experiences in the kitchen. A few years back, I learned the hard way that if you put the flame to an alcohol-rich sauce right after adding said alcohol, you'll get a cool little blue flame on the saucepan--but if you allow a few seconds worth of alcohol to vaporize while fumbling with the torch, you will get a column of flame in your kitchen that is truly spectacular. Holding a straight face while claiming "that's what I meant to do" was never so hard. That said, don't add alcohol to the saucepan directly from the bottle. The stream of booze can catch on fire, leaving you holding an exploding bottle, and picking glass shards out of your skin and mise en place.

I also tried to boil an egg in the microwave once. The egg exploded with enough force to blow open the door of the microwave and sprayed scalding hot egg goo in a six-foot radius. (I did later discover that you can poach eggs in the dishwasher, which is fucking awesome.)

I think my ultimate kitchen abortion came when I started frying up a pound of bacon, without washing the pan from the last time I made bacon in it. Stepped away for a few minutes, returned to the kitchen to see massive flames. I actually wound up chucking the flaming pan off my second-floor balcony. (Which was an awesome thought process, looking back: "Oh, shit, the pan's on fire ... what do I do? I know! Launch it off the balcony, possibly killing / immolating / bashing passers-by? Brilliant!")

Oh, and if you're going to be dicing habaņeros (or other hot peppers), wash your fucking hands before you engage in carnal activities with the wife.
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