Recapped Story Part 3:
Neelix went to cook a delicious Leola Root stew to give to Harry as a remedy for his depression which did about as much good as a relationship with Seska would help Chakotay repopulate the population of native americans.
"Cheer up, Harry" said Tom "You're never fully dressed without Seven next to you. She is a great looking accessory.
"I wouldn't mind but she can get kind of scary without regenerating and its been days, you know" said Harry.
"Nevertheless," The Doctor said, "her usually sunny disposition nothwithstanding, you really shouldn't ask her to ingest pork pies whilst rotating clockwise around Chakotay. He likes Neelix's Leola root stew, too. It's tastier than Seven's finger even after it's been rammed through a quantum singularity."
Kes entered the mess hall and threw-up all over chakotay's meal.
"Kes!" exclaimed Tuvok, visibly emotional.
"Was it Neelix' Leola Root?" asked B'Elanna Torres, who glared at the Talaxian.
"Yes," [said] Kes.
"I like the way you vomit!" said Chakotay "we need more vomiters like you, cadet."
"Productions is needed. We should ask the Cardassians to put more ships into Delta Quadrant, or help them buy whiskers."
At the thought of Cardassians, Sisko lost his bowels, and the EMH cheerily declared "My Goodness what a mess. Where is Paris to clean up? He loves ingrained stains and yet has hands as soft as Harry's Spine."
"Now wait a minute... Why is Sisko the only one who wears gloves... And how did he play the banjo backwards. I didn't authorize his transfer request he needs to stay on key during his banjo solos!"
Suddenly, a one-legged Andorian with only half an antenna walked into the mess hall shouting "Is this a dream?"
"No" Replied Neelix "This is Lifestyles of the Rich and The Bold And The Beautiful, the only way to fly is to bend over and exploit the inertial dampening field without turning into lizard creatures and procreating with Tom Paris, which is esential on any deep space voyage. The Doctor knows from experience, you can become bald so very easily, especially since Rogaine was banned under the Kihtomer convention, which acknowledged the Klingon forehead's greatness smooth or bumpy, it's all good."
The Andorian scratched his ample buttocks, and then warned Seven to stop pinching them.
Seven glared at him coldly, while drool drained from her ample lips. She pouted and and then unsnapped her metalic corset, causing a subspace decompression in Harry's pants. "Is that a phaser in your pocket or a subspace decompression?" she inquired, suspecting the obvious, and asked without Inflection.
"Ngggghhh" Replied Kim, after biting his tongue in a vain attempt to prevent it from wagging in Seven's general direction.
Tuvok observed this scene with disdain, arching his back in cat-like maneuvere.
Janeway saw this and had a fit. "What the devil is going on here?"
Tuvok struggled to explain the increasingly absurd situation, as logically only Cavit could help them. Sure, Cavit was killed years before, but hey, he's hip to what's cool, and that was all that mattered. Cavit saved a holographic version of himself.
"Out of my chair , Maquis!" the holographic Cavit shouted "You tattoo-headed turncoat twit !" at Chakotay.
"Brace for Impact?" Sneered Tom Paris, who liked sneering at people who were mean , except his wife, who would kick his ass all over the bridge if he dared and much worse.
Chakotay reached the fifth level of attainment by channeling the spirit of Matt Decker into his body. "I can see the beginning of time... It's kinda boring."
As he spoke, Chakotay tapped his wrist to awaken himself not knowing that a large macro-virus, which survived undetected through many generations, had found a home on Chakotay's back pocket and was eating his lint, and also his soul, while creating a miniture black hole that threatened to destroy B'lanna's shuttle she made from paper mache and jelly beans, and was quite proud of.
If only her hat could hide the unsightly wormhole opening, because its tackiness is appalling even by Neelix's standards, and that says a lot!
Seeing as it seemed to be swallowing Chakotay's soul, the Doctor suggested he run the Soul Train.
Tuvok objected, citing the fact that Katra Train
was infinitely superior and far more logical than its Earth-based counterpart.
The Doctor rolled his eyes at Tuvok and said, "That is the last time I invite a Vulcan to observe my bogus medicine in action."
Admitting that he could not even try to outdo Paris in the art of bullshitting, and the art of chicanery, the Doctor returned to the kitchen and ate a worm.
"I'm so glad B'elanna added dilithium shavings to the meatloaf this time, because when she made it the time before it really needed some kick."
"Who needs kicking?" demanded B'Elanna.
Many fingers pointed at Neelix who tried shrinking into the pantry to avoid B'Elanna's wrath but instead made her even more determined to kick Harry right between his legs.
"Ouch!" said the shock-absorbing tribble Harry had wisely placed on nether regions.
Harry attempted to revive the tribble by using Chakotay's tribal dreamcatcher and chanting "Akoochimoya, my indigenous ass," while Tuvok struggled to contain his laughter (it's not as easy when your toes are sweaty.)
"Maybe if I had Icheb's Implants I could understand why a transwarp conduit has opened in the ready room. Come with me, Icheb," Harry implored, "let me show you my latest invention. It's a transphasic probe, allow me to insert it into your..."
"Woah!" said Tom as he felt a long, hard object near his tricorder.
"Scanning Inconclusive" Tuvok reported nonchalantly, while secretly wishing that it was in fact conclusive.
Icheb fled the room, and found Seven Regenerating.
"Now then, what did I tell you Tuvok, My Pervy Senses Tingle at the mere thought of your Mind Melding Techniques."
"Run!" screamed The Doctor, who just repaired his matrix after Icheb's holodeck rave party went awry and the doctor became a lisping Puerto Rican drag queen.
"I thuppothe you think it'th funny, don't choo, Mithter Parith?"
"Frankly yes, I do, doc" chuckled Paris, oblivious to the fact he was due a rectal exam the very next day.
"Very well," said the Doctor , "we'll see who's laughing tomorrow."
Without warning, there was loud yodelling coming out of Janeway's room, followed by a frenzy on the bridge as Chakotay raced to join in.
Seven used a tricorder to scan Chakotay's ass, saying, "I think I can scientifically prove that you can't yodel."
Janeway increased scanning resolution by 300%, and said "You can stick this Maquis bum on the next turbolift to lower Deck 18."
Chakotay stuttered in protest, "But Deck 18 is OUTSIDE the ship, there's no air there!"
"That's the whole point," said Janeway. "If this doesn't teach you leadership and desicion making then I'll have Tuvok slap the black right off you!"
Chakotay stomped off muttering "I'll consult my woodchuck spirit guide to answer the age old riddle... "
"What is the meaning of this, Lieutenant Barclay?" demanded Holo-Cavit, being a jerk as he raced for impact even though there wasn't a collision imminent (he just liked bracing in the early morning).
Barclay stuttered something incomprehensible in time to the dramatic music coming from Harry's clarinet. The other senior officers danced whilst pretending they actually had rhythm that came with precise training.
Neelix trained the Ocampa to pleasure him in many ways including toe licking on mondays. This unfortunately resulted in nasty huge blue blebs erupting on Tuesdays. Captain Janeway found this unacceptable behavior from starfleet officers but dared not say anything out of respect to Kes (and because Neelix wasn't actually an officer, or even a person of great concern, really).
Janeway went back to her holo-novel, which she had left half-way through a kiss with a studly character based on Data.
Meanwhile, Harry tried applying analgesic cream to his back, but found the warm , tingling sensation was his flesh resting on the groin area of Ensign Vorik, who was busy picking his hairy nose.
"What the heck!" whined Kim "Everyone gets action but me!"
"You suck" stated Vorik dispassionately flinging his nose-pickings at Kim's clarinet. "Why are you even still alive? By my calculations you should have died three years ago."
"I did," replied Kim, "But I got better."
At that moment, Tom reminded Harry they had a reservation for Holodeck 2, hoping it would cheer Harry to play Captain Proton instead of Buster Kincaid (for once).
"I would rather run the level 2 diagnostic of the sewage processor in Neelix's quarters than spend another minute with that booger-flickin' Vulcan douchebag Vorik. Yeah, let's go to the holodeck and pretend we are real men. How big remains to be seen after the light of day brings the unflattering truth into focus."
At that point, the two hugged, then parted awkwardly. "Uh, on second thought," said Tom, "I was actually on the way to B'Elanna's quarters... I think you'd better go back to the mess hall and help Neelix fix the replicators , which keep putting Tabasco sauce in the Synthehol."
Kim sighed while repressing dark thoughts of where he would've put Tabasco on the Delaney Sisters. Walking faster as the thought grew sicker and sicker, Kim accidentally tripped over his own dirty imagination, somehow given physical form by some telepathic thingy they bought on E-bay.
"Damn it, I told Captain Janeway not to activate that without supervision." muttered Tuvok. "She always forgets that these plot devices we use have a tendency to self destruct. Now the Delaney sisters would certainly never agree to that orgy Paris planned but then they weren't going to be conscious anyway."
"Hey, Tuvok," Paris said, pointing his dangerous, giant novelty toothpick, "Did I tell you the Sisters think pointy ears are sexy?"
"It's a trap!" yelled Neelix. "Tom wants to distract you from my stew!" he said, "but nothing can stop leola root aroma from permeating the drapes and upholstery and burn -ward in sickbay."