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Old July 7 2009, 08:28 PM   #356
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Location: Kansas City
Re: Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen - Grading & Discussion

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

My Grade: D+

Running time: Too goddamn long!


I feel like I've been raped. Raped by a giant metal cock and had it shoved in my ass repeatedly for nearly three hours. Every sense in my existence feels assaulted and my sense of taste and smell are a little creep-ed out by that fact.

This movie as an assault on logic, taste, movie making and common sense. It also uses up every single bit of military stock footage in existence and wore-out the slo-mo feature in 10,000 cameras and 132,000 editing consoles. It is also impressive to me that Michael Bay did show an ounce or two of restraint.

There was only probably one or two sunsets in this movie and none of them featured a piece of military equipment silhouetted against it.

Michael Bay is the worse director on the face of the planet and this movie is a monument to that fact. The man has no artistic talent, can't tell a story, and baffling enough names a movie after a team of secondary characters in it.

And Jesus Christ! Seriously, can Megan Fox tug her lips closed or not?

So what do we have in this movie?

Well, on the "plus" side, I guess, we don't have a long and pointless "comedy" scene involving the Autobots stumbling around a suburban backyard.

On the flip side of that, we have two -nearly adjacent- scenes of dogs humping. Oh and also an action sequence that -in defiance to all sense of temporal logic- lasts longer than the entire movie itself. I actually nodded off for about 20 minutes in the middle of it, woke back up and realized I hadn't missed a thing. Not a single plot point. How many movies can you fall asleep in for 20 minutes and not miss anything crucial?

Between the last two movies (in which two years passed), it seems, the following events occurred:

1. The Autobots and the Decepticons have been fighting in major cities. This is -somehow- covered up the government. Even though the fights are filmed with Hollywood cameras, cleaned up, edited, and posted on YouTube within a day of occurring. It's all just covered up. So was the battle at the end of the last movie.

2. Sam's mom has a lobotomy. Quite sad, really.

3. In the real world- Michael Bay and his "team" took to heart accusations of racial caricatures in the first movie and didn't have them in this one. Oh, wait, he just simply changed the caricatures from peoples to robots. From outer-space. (And anyone who says they're "hillbilly stereotypes" is delusional.)

4. Sam hasn't once, not ONCE, told Megan Fox he loves her. In two years. My ex-girlfriend would get pissed at me if I went two WEEKS without saying that and she ended up cheating on me. Ms. Fox? Puts up with it. Because.... Sam.... is... such... a great... catch?! And hotties like her would have SUCH a hard time getting some action?

5. Sam has what he calls a lucky jacket -the brown hoodie he wore in the first movie- embedded in this jacket is a piece of the AllSpark that sets the motion of this movie's "plot" into gear. Sam, apparently, hasn't worn, or touched, the "lucky jacket" in two years.

6. The military has been spending millions of dollars monitoring Megatron's "burial" site in the ocean with a fleet of navy vessels. They fail to do anything about it when something occurs. Money well spent.

7. France has become a stereotype of itself.

8. Sam's balls completely fall off. So much-so that when a hot blonde-girl tries to jump him he turns into a weenie who has never touched a girl before -all afraid to touch her, kiss her, or do anything. Oh, and single, standard-sized grocery-store sheet-cake is enough for a college frat party. A college that, it seems, doesn't allow Freshmen to own cars(!). It's also one of those movie/TV colleges where all of the women are hot.

9. The Government has been working with the Autobots to keep the Deceptcons down. The Government now wants the Autobots to leave -apparently not realizing that the Deceptcons likely won't agree to leave and if the Autobots DO leave -being good on their word- we're fucked.


Jesus Christ, this movie was just terrible. I mean, the first one was no picnic but this one was just awful. Nothing, NOTHING in it made sense. Did we even NEED the roommate character? And seriously, what fucking college was that? They had a damn MOUNTAIN DEW VENDING MACHINE IN THEIR TWO-BEDROOM DORM ROOM! What. The. FUCK?! And someone, on campus, is dumb enough to be selling hash-brownies to parents walking around the quad. And it's movie-pot that makes you act like a lunatic. Actually, in the case of how Sam's mom was acting up to that point I'm not sure the pot had even started effecting her yet.

Megan Fox is over sexualized. Sure, fair enough, I mean that's about all she's good for. But worry not, there's a little something for the ladies! John Turturro wears a thong and shows off his ass AND his package! Swoon if you must.

And follow me on this: A piece of the Allspark is used to bring Megatron back to life who then goes on to kill Optimus Prime who is truing to protect Sam and the piece of the Allspark HE has. Sam then goes to great lengths to find something to bring Optimus Prime back to life culminating in a huge battle somewhere in Egypt. If that plot makes sense to you then you must be Michael Bay.

Ugh. This movie. Too Long. Too much. Makes no sense.

I give it a D. That, by the way, is the lowest rating I've given a movie in recent memory.
Just because it's futuristic doesn't mean it's practical.
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