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Old April 29 2009, 08:41 AM   #213
kitsune
Captain
 
Location: USS Lollipop
Re: Excelsior Technical Manual - Revived!

Praetor wrote: View Post
The Excelsior’s space-frame consisted of five integrated main assemblies
shouldn't consisted be in the present tense?

Praetor wrote: View Post
the primary hull (saucer section), interconnecting dorsal “neck,” secondary hull, warp nacelle pylon assembly, and twin warp nacelles (together comprising the engineering section).
The wording implies either the nacelles comprise the engineering section, or all five parts do (including the saucer).

Praetor wrote: View Post
The primary hull, or more commonly known as
delete the or

Praetor wrote: View Post
A bar-like section extending aft
That structure doesn't seem very bar-like to me...

Praetor wrote: View Post
The interconnecting dorsal is one of the components of the “engineering section.”
Previously established above, although ambiguously.

Praetor wrote: View Post
(its very horseshoe-shaped horizontal cross-sections
Horseshoes have a concave edge. The cross-sections don't.

Praetor wrote: View Post
it is now primary void space, save the intermix chamber which spans it vertically and related equipment.
I think you need a comma after vertically

Praetor wrote: View Post
It is roughly cigar-shaped in design
in design is redundant

Praetor wrote: View Post
and semi-circular ventral
how about semi-circular vertical cross-section?

Praetor wrote: View Post
It houses [...] the main deflector dish
Remove dish to avoid redundancy (there's only one dish, so of course it's the main one, but there are presumably other deflectors that aren't dishes).

Praetor wrote: View Post
Primarily a hollow structure,
Primarily -> Mostly, unless you wish to convey that its purpose is specifically to be hollow.

Praetor wrote: View Post
the modular Shuttlebay One
What's modular about it?

Praetor wrote: View Post
which the twin nacelles struts extend.
struts is plural, so nacelles should be singular.

Praetor wrote: View Post
the entire unit may be separated from the remainder of the ship in an emergency.
separated -> jettisoned

Praetor wrote: View Post
The bridge unit is an interchangeable module
unit -> complex

Praetor wrote: View Post
Aft of this at the deck’s rear are the upper housing for the twin deflection crystals that top the intermix chamber
Wouldn't the intermix chamber be at the center of the stack, between the matter injector and antimatter injector?

Praetor wrote: View Post
When she was originally launched, Excelsior mounted a single, large deflection crystal atop her intermix chamber.
mounted -> was equipped with, since the ship wasn't performing the mounting...

Praetor wrote: View Post
if current research makes it more workable as is theorized.
current research -> further research and development?

Praetor wrote: View Post
They all mounted large inertial restraint arms
mounted -> sported

Praetor wrote: View Post
so named after their inventor, Dr. Michael Okuda.
Maybe he was a computer systems analyst at the ASDB?

Praetor wrote: View Post
Two turbolift stations serve this bridge
stations -> tubes?
serve -> service

Praetor wrote: View Post
Stations lining the bridge walls include: engineering support, propulsion, communications, and tactical monitoring at port; three dedicated science statsions and a small master control monitoring station at starboard.
This was probably just a typical or recommended arrangement, instead of a permanent one, given that the Okudagram interfaces could be reconfigured as the captain saw fit.

Praetor wrote: View Post
circumferential stations
circumferential -> perimeter? It sounds better even though the bridge isn't a polygon.
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