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Old April 22 2009, 05:56 AM   #196
The_Beef
Lieutenant Commander
 
Re: Excelsior Technical Manual - Revived!

Praetor wrote: View Post
Admiral Demora Sulu, daughter of late Excelsior Captain and Federation President Hikaru Sulu, and former commander of the Enterprise-B, delivered a powerful keynote speech that brought thunderous applause from the audience.
I feel like this should be inverted to "Admiral Demora Sulu, former commander of the Enterprise-B and daughter of late Excelsior captain and Federation President Hikaru Sulu, delivered. . ." I think this is a somewhat clearer form of presentation, as the original left the possibility that "and former commander of the Enterprise-B" could refer to Hikaru rather than Demora. It's also slightly less complicated, which is always a benefit for the sake of flow and clarity.

Excelsiors gave hope to the literally thousands of worlds they visited
I'd actually just leave "literally" out, I feel like it's unnecessary and really just clutters up the sentence. "Excelsiors gave hope to the thousands of worlds they visited" flows better and treats the subject more matter-of-fact. It kind of says that there's no need for exaggeration here, the Excelsiors lived up to whatever you have to say about them.
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