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Old April 8 2009, 10:04 AM   #119
kitsune
Captain
 
Location: USS Lollipop
Re: Excelsior Technical Manual - Revived!

Praetor wrote: View Post
Talks between the Federation and the Klingons
For parallel construction, and to sound more formal, use Klingon Empire here (for the first mention of Klingons).

Praetor wrote: View Post
It was a time of increasing peace and prosperity for the universe
universegalaxy. For all we know, the other 100 billion galaxies could be in depressions...

Praetor wrote: View Post
The Admiralty finally agreed to decommission the Constitution class to replace them
Class is singular, them is plural.

The Admiralty finally agreed to decommission the remaining Constitution class ships and replace them with Excelsior class ships.

Praetor wrote: View Post
As part of compliance to the Klingons' stipulations,
Pursuant to the Klingons' stipulations,

Praetor wrote: View Post
over seventy percent of these ships
Generally speaking, don't spell numbers greater than ten except to maintain parallel construction, or for legal clarification. Use 70% instead.

Praetor wrote: View Post
By 1 January, 2300, there were fourteen
ditto

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with fifty more under contract
ditto

Praetor wrote: View Post
Medusa-class experimental deep space cruisers
Medusa-class sounds appropriate for some members of the DS9 Frankenfleet...

Praetor wrote: View Post
backburnered by Starfleet
"back-burnered"

Praetor wrote: View Post
, given the ship's massive concept
massive concept → broad scope

Praetor wrote: View Post
and seemingly unachievable technology specifications, particularly in the wake of the Excelsior class's near-failure, but in the era of peace that came about in the early twenty-fourth century, the concept was given more consideration.
run-on alert! Lots of commas there.

Praetor wrote: View Post
A number of Starfleet officials were concerned by Starfleet's new 'supership' idea
Starfleet's the fleet's (to avoid using Starfleet twice in the same sentence)

Praetor wrote: View Post
the Great Experiment would thus become the fleet's tried and true ship of the line.
tried-and-true

Praetor wrote: View Post
The Excelsior had become a staple of the Federation fleet, dubbed "Old Reliable" by the officers who served on her.
Incorrect use of the term staple. Staple refers to essential commodities.
How about, ship of distinction? Source of pride? De facto flagship?

Praetor wrote: View Post
In reality, it was a measure of the skill of her crew and her commander.
commander → captain or commanding officer

Praetor wrote: View Post
The Excelsior class stayed ahead of modern technology, thanks to the modularity and adaptability of their design.
class is singular, their is plural


Praetor wrote: View Post
Starfleet was developing weapons for use against them and began
Insert a comma after them

Praetor wrote: View Post
a new treaty between the Romulans and Federation
For parallel construction, use Romulan Empire here

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last for over fifty years.
50

Praetor wrote: View Post
her space worthiness testing
space-worthiness

Praetor wrote: View Post
and was one of the first Starfleet ship classes to allow families aboard
The class doesn't allow families, that's a policy thing.

Suggest: and was among the first Starfleet ship classes designed to accommodate families


Praetor wrote: View Post
Sulu reluctanctly accepted promotion
Sulu He (to avoid repetition)

Praetor wrote: View Post
Ultimately, Sulu would retire from the Admiralty in 2326 and run for Federation President
would retire → retired
run → ran or campaigned to become


Praetor wrote: View Post
A military buildup was present on both sides
was present developed

Praetor wrote: View Post
For its part, Starfleet paced up its production
paced up ramped up

Praetor wrote: View Post
U.S.S. Alaska was redesignated
or recommissioned as

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Klingon colony of Narendra III
of on

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new era of communication between the Federation and Klingons
Klingon Empire for parallel construction

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previously established uneasy peace
previously-established, uneasy peace

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into real friendship
real genuine

Praetor wrote: View Post
and could have led to a period of renewed hostilies and even eventual war.
and could and this could

Praetor wrote: View Post
No matter the historical signifcane
signifcane significance

Praetor wrote: View Post
By that time, Starfleet had already begun initial design work on the Galaxy class, a bigger and better
I prefer to avoid using the word bigger in formal writing. I suggest larger instead. But if you decide to keep bigger, please add hyphens: bigger-and-better.

Praetor wrote: View Post
Starfleet had already realized, however, that while they
Starfleet is singular, they is plural.

Praetor wrote: View Post
battleships that a multi-role
battleships, a multi-role
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