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Old April 4 2009, 05:14 PM   #16
Fleet Captain
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Re: Star Trek: Voyager - Dark Realm

Well Dingo,

I like that you are taking the time to build up to the away mission with these little scenes. Some view such as distractions to the big action or adventure of the story, but I think they help us to empathise with the characters much more. For this reason, and as CeJay stated too, your lower deck characters [expansion of them] are quite likeable.

I like the dialogue between the characters, but I would like some more scenery setting mixed in with the dialogue. Little actions for example, that the characters carry out when saying a line or afterwards. Because actually, you do a very good neat job of doing so at the start of your scenes. Here are a couple of examples from the last segment:

He saw the Australian walk out of the Search and Rescue Team Room, his sleeves rolled up. He just finished punching some numbers into a keypad before he turned to face Ayala.
Kenneth Dalby tuned his coil spanner as he adjusted a modulator for the forward phaser array of the Delta Flyer . After he adjusted the modulator he did a check on the track while scan sensor. It was working just fine.
“Not at all.” Tom replied as he walked around the Flyer. He examined panels and checked various pieces of equipment.

A moment of realization swept of B’Elanna. Tom was doing checks and to the casual observer they seemed to be genuine. But B’Elanna knew Tom too well to be fooled.

“You’re not doing checks.” B’Elanna finally concluded.
A little bit more of that would appeal to the likes of me. Mind you that's only my personal preference. Others might disagree. just sometimes, again to me, dialogue line after dialogue is a little difficult to follow if there aren't a few such breaks or more bits that tell us how the characters feel internally or what they show externally.

Just my humble opinion and feel free to ignore as I plan on continuing to follow this story regardless, just to see where you go with it.
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