I liked it.
Is the social intolerance of religion the Federation is something you consider unique to this alternate reality, or if it reflects your thoughts on the Federation in Alpha Quadrant-Prime? I actually think it captures what the Federation would probably be like--the humans of the Federation would give "primitives" leeway to believe whatever nonsense they wished, but expect "better" of their own "evolved" species and other "adult" societies, for example the Vulcans or the Trill. Very interesting point... is it a Soviet Federation of Planets after all?
Also, pen and paper makes Mendral come off faintly pretentious; although it is very reasonable to assume he learned to write by pen and paper and not computers, given the poverty of the Occupation, the refusal to use more efficient means of document creation strikes me as a pose or even self-righteousness. Intentional? It does work, so it's not a criticism per se.
Finally, what's Sam's deal? Is he attracted to Mendral? He's flushing over a guy
not knowing his name, so I'm curious.