You are Captain Archer!
You have Quantum Lept into the wrong century, and keep messing up the timeline. Your manners are harsh, you whine too much and I THINK you have a romantic relationship with your dog. The Vulcan chick will never want you, so give it up. You may be a good pilot, but not a good leader. You have courage, yes, but you often plan things poorly and are not well organized. Let the Vulcan run the ship, we would all be better off.
Errrr.... Trip, what's wrong with the artificial gravity? And what the hell are you doing with my woman?!