The first episode in what is sure to be a series, I present Star Trek: Enterpriez.
THE FEDERATION BUREAU OF HOLOGRAPHY HAS DEEMED THIS WORK TO BE UNSAFE FOR TRILL SYMBIONTS UNDER THE AGE OF 85. HOST DISCRETION IS ADVISED.
Star Trek: Entepriez
Episode 1X01 - “The Enterpriez Incident”
Historical Note: The following takes place in February, 2379
"Damage report!" Captain Richard Hawke yelled over the din of alarm klaxons and combat chatter.
"We've lost shields, and our weapons are gone!"
Hawke trudged over to the science station, using the rail to steady himself as the ship rocked under the duress of some decidedly rude weapons fire.
"Lieutenant, what's have you got on that thing??"
Lieutenant Ignacio Alvarez spun his chair around, his face showing his horror. "Sir, I'm getting a readout on the enemy vessel. It appears to have conformium cannons, a stink machine and a flapperjack mcgoogle. It's a warship
Hawke quickly grabbed hold of the nearest handrail.
"Everybody hang on!"
48 HOURS EARLIER
Space. A vast, deep, dark void. To an average onlooker, space may seem boring, but the average onlooker is usually on a planet, so the average onlooker definitely doesn't know diddly squat about space. Stars sprinkle the sky, not just white, but in the varied colors of the rainbow, but not so much that you would expect Colin Baker's face to fly at you any second. Mind you, that's a rather frightening sight if you aren't prepared for that sort of thing. A cadet training crew once encountered a similar phenomenon aboard the Eldridge. They and their ship later mysteriously materialized in orbit of Montauk III, crewmembers spewing cheese whiz from all of their orifices. The incident was later dismissed as a result of nebula gas illuminated by a sensor array and "too much Romulan Ale".
But, I digress.
If one were to observe a particularly finite area of space around Omega IV, one would note the USS Enterpriez, a Federation Nova-Class starship. This particular starship has a particularly interesting story, if you‘re into that sort of thing anyways. When the previous Enterprise was destroyed over Veridian III, Starfleet had a new Enterprise underway, forgetting that the current Nova-class was different from the proposed version. While the ship was halfway painted, they quickly changed the name to try to avoid confusion. Of course, to make sure no one knew that he had screwed up, Admiral Ross quickly threw it under the carpet, relegating it mainly to garbage hauling and comet deflection. But, this was soon to change.
DECK 01 - BRIDGE
"Captain-" so said Phlegm, the ship's operations officer. In a normal context, this word wouldn't hold vast amounts of particular significance, however, this single word was the messenger of a chain of events that would irrevocably change the course of history as it is known.
Commander Richard Hawke rose from his command chair and stepped over to OPS, placing his foot on the base of the OPS console. "Yeah?"
Phlegm tapped a few commands into his console. "We're receiving a communication."
He paused for a second, trying to guess what it might be. "What is it?"
He turned to face him. "An old trick used to advance the plot, sir."
Both officers turned around to face the source of the voice coming from the aft of the bridge. It was Kristen Stanford, ship's executive officer.
"Regulation 42-A paragraph 47-B. The fourth wall is not to be broken under any circumstances."
"Pretty ironic regulation, if you ask me." The ship's helmsman, Jack Something piped up, raising his right hand as if it would make his statement seem significant, "I mean, by simply existing, it breaks the fourth wall."
Phlegm cleared his throat. "I believe we have a message to get to."
"Right," Hawke zipped up his jacket and Picard Maneuvered it.
Phlegm tapped in a series of commands to his console, causing the Starfleet Command emblem to briefly pop onscreen, then the visage of Admiral Janeway.
"Oh, Admiral Janeway. What a pleasant surprise!" Hawke enthusiastically offered, kissing ass as much as is humanly possible.
"I'll bet you were surprised, you lazy bums. Probably eating potato chips and listening to Rush. Lazy kids."
"Actually, no ma'am. We've been patrolling-"
Jack raised an eyebrow. "Isn't it ironic to yell at someone to be silent?"
"Shut up. Listen, as much as it pains me, I have a problem and you and your crew are the only ones who can help." Janeway chugged down the last of her coffee and fired off a loud, juicy belch.
Hawke crossed his hands behind his back and widened his stance. "I'm all ears, Admiral."
"I need you to get the Enterpriez to the Sigma Epsilon listening post. We've lost contact with them."
"Anything we can expect, Admiral?"
"You can expect me not to grill your ass if you survive. Starfleet Command, out."
"Well," Jack proppoed his feet up on his console, "Should I lay in a course?"
The captain dropped down into his chair, which squeaked in response. "No thanks, I've already had lunch today."
Jack rolled his eyes, "I mean, set the ship's heading."
"Yes, make it... such."
With a gradual whine and a flash of light, the Enerpriez jumped to warp speed, stars streaking past as it rapidly moved through space.